Quotes Noted

From the Book Kris Jenner and all things Kardashian.
Some of my favorite quotes; highlighted.

"You're going to meet the same people on the way down as you did on the way up. So be grateful and humble for the blessings that have been given to you."

"If someone says no, you're talking to the wrong person."

"If I wanted to get ahead in life, I needed to work."

"If you want something bad enough, and are willing to change your life for it, you can do anything."

While speaking about her 1st marriage; "There are ups and downs and changes in life, but you have to have self-control. You have to understand that relationships have their ebbs and flows, and that life just evolves. It is about love and friendship. It's not always about passion and heat."

"Act on your feelings and share your thoughts rather than hold back, even if it means crossing a privacy line. When you feel like something is really really wrong, it's usually wrong. Follow your instincts; you might just change someone's life."

"Being a Mom means; unconditional, all the time."

"At what point in your life do you stop evolving? Never."

"I am exactly where I'm supposed to be because I know God has a plan for my life."

"Don't ever dicount your environment. Where you live, work, and play has a powerful effect on your happiness and productivity."

"If you feel like you need to go visit your loved one, then go! My instincts would prove to be right." While Kris spoke of her father falling ill.

"Never give up on your dreams just because life get's in the way."

Business 101: "Be nice to everybody. Never take anyone at face value."

"Figure out what you love to do in life and then figure out a way to get paid for it."

I really enjoyed reading this book. I always admired Kris Jenner for her hard work, but after reading this book I've found a new respect for her. Thanks Kris!

December Catching up.

My home looks zen & spacious again, now that Christmas has been stored away. I love the holidays but after 5 weeks of decorations cluttering my space I start to feel cramped. Ahhh, I downsized the diningroom table too-much better. Less is more. Now there's StarWars stuff invading my livingroom. My son doesn't like to play on the floor, so all my sofas and tables have been occupied for 24hr play time while my TV is running the Trilogy 24/7. Guhhh....

So that's given me plenty of time to read my new book, Kris Jenner and all things Kardashian. I'll be finishing it today. She tells the story of her life and her upbringing, and relationships, friends, marriages and how her world came to be. I have to say, we are a lot like but on a different scale. Maybe that's why I can't seem to put the book down. She also goes in depth about OJ and Nicole Brown Simpson, very interesting. Kris and OJ were very close since she was about 17 years old. He was like a big brother to her, then she became best friends with Nicole. She goes into details about the murder trial. I've already got my next book waiting in my Amazon cart haha.

I spent 3 whole hours this morning clipping and organizing my new coupon binder that Santa brought. ABC order baby. It looks amazing! I can't believe I'm finally in order! Outdates are gone. I can actually find things now QUICK! I highly suggest a binder and currency sleeves :) if your a couponer. You can find them on ebay and amazon.


Weight watchers is going good. They decided to keep our location open for another year in hopes business will pick up. But our Thursday night speaker Angela just had to leave. I was told she had a heart attack two weeks ago due to stress. Omg! She's 55yrs old! But she's doing ok now, just cutting back on her work load. How scary. I'm glad she's ok. With the holidays I gained a few pounds and worked really hard to get the weight off before the week was over with success. I ended up back at my normal weight down to the exact ounce. Yay for hard work! I'm learning so much about how my body works. I'm learning what I can get away with and what I can't. It's like a science experiment LOL. So now that I'm back at 149.4 lbs I plan to work out alot this week and eat less holiday junk leftovers. For two weeks my kitchen has been stocked with holiday cookies, chocolate and candy! I usually do good with temptation but, I gave myself permission to enjoy the holiday sweets. I was super good at Halloween, so I indulged at Christmas. It's ok though I didn't fall off track.

I worked myself hard my first day back to the gym with an hour on the treadmill and 40 mins on the elliptical. By the time I got home I was sick as a dog hungry but unable to eat without wanting to vomit. I eventually passed out from the nausea and stomach upset. I later woke up feeling much better. Note to self.... build up stamina slowly or pay the price.
My mind wanders while I'm at the gym. I try to remain focused on keeping my heart rate up, but I'm a little self conscious cause nobody uses the machines next to me. Do I smell? haha or is my tomato face scary? There just always seems to be an open machine next to me. I'm sure I'm just being paranoid, but that's me. Maybe I'm giving off subliminal vibes to keep away so I can focus. Cause frankly I'm not always up for talking especially with new people I don't know. I'm more of a people watcher.

My "other" next door neighbors have been gutting and restoring the house. The noise is been constant for about 6 months! Holy Shit! I liked it so much better when no one lived there. I'm pretty sure they are refinishing the hardwoods this week. All new plumbing, electric, termite extermination, appliances, drywall, you name it. The only thing I havent seen yet is window replacements. I'm really hoping they put carpeting in the bedrooms because I could hear them talking and walking around. I don't want to hear "other" things going on in their room especially while I'm trying to sleep. The banging on the walls sound like they are going to come through!!! The kids keep asking me, Mom what if they break through the wall! Haha so even they are concerned. The cats are jumpy too from all the noise. On the "other" side my neighbor just had a baby. Thankfully she doesn't cry much but when she does, we can hear it. On the upside of things, the dogs barking have been less. They have like 2 or 3 ankle biters and 2 cats I believe. Besides the parking wars between us, we thankfully haven't had much trouble from them lately. See... I believe my crystal magic is working.

And that is that for now. Because my son is bugging me for a bath. I shall return soon enough with more jibber jabber and meaningless catching up :) Tootles.

Merry Christmas 2011

The Christmas holiday went off without a hitch, with all of our family celebrating together. Chris and I hosted our annual Christmas eve funky attire party which was a hit :) We ordered in our annual Chinese grub dinner and exchanged gifts. The gifts were so abundant this year my head was spinning. There's nothing I love more than watching everyone opening their gifts, adults included. My goal every year is make even the adults feel like kids again on Christmas. Dressing silly and playing games helps with that hahaha. What I'm most thankful for this year is something called "forgiveness." Total forgiveness for past differences, short-comings, and what have you. It really feels good to let go of negative feelings. Forgiveness is freeing space in the heart, allowing love to flow. :))

Christmas morning started bright and early, 7am to be exact. Jake came running in to wake up us sleepy heads in hopes that Santa came. And Santa sure did come... spewing presents all over the place! Foe Jake it was a Star Wars Christmas! He recieved a ton of character action figures, all the star ships, and the huge AT-AT he really wanted. Dana got so many grown up pretty things for her bedroom, like demask curtains, new bedding, pillows, and beauty products :) Chris was spoiled with the Zen theme again this year. He plans to change his basement into a zen den for his reading and  meditation practices. Christmas for me was amazing. I was spoiled with home decor, and cozy comforts! I'm so looking forward to packing away christmas and getting back to an uncluttered space & candles :)

By 11am we all met up for breakfast at the 4 Seasons Diner where we stuffed our tummies once more. Mmmm.... then went back to our homes where I took a few hours to nap since I could hardly sleep the night before. (Like a little kid). We later all met up at my parents house for dinner and card games :) Betty my mother in law made a new little friend, my nephew Jeremy. It was nice to see them playing and chatting away. I really think she misses having little ones around.

Monday was the day after Christmas clearance sales! We headed out about noon and still managed to catch some deals. We shopped for a good 7hrs. guh... Dana and I were so tired by the time we got home. I'm still friggen tired as I type this. I just might have to get in another nap before 3pm. Cause I need to get my butt to the gym for the next three days for an hour & a half high intensity workout. Just so I can work off the holiday weight I think I've accumulated. WAHHHH

I just thought of something else I'm truly grateful for; I am so grateful that my mother found not one, but two great homes for pets I can no longer house. Charm the territorial cat went to a co-workers home where she is being spoiled rotten. I get daily updates on how well she's fitting in there and the relationships she's formed with her new owners. I'm so glad it's working out! She really does well being the only pet. And Karma the Iguana found the perfect home with two other Iguana friends at my sister's friend Irina's. Her name was changed to Yoshi and has her own room! She's even allowed to roam freely throughout the house. I can tell she's loving her new home because she looks so happy in all her pictures. Yes I also get daily updates on her, accompanied with amazing photos! I'm so glad she's in a place now where she can enjoy herself and freedom. All has worked out for the best! And for that my heart is all warm and fuzzy :)

I sure hope your holidays were as merry and bright. And remember, it's not about the material things, it's about being together :) xoxox

Smh.

As it turns out, I will be making a double layer specialty sheet cake on Winter Solstice for the deli employees my mom works with. I have some ideas that I think are cute but again, I wasn't thinking things through when I agreed to do it.... say oh um like it's the WINTER SOLSTICE! Amy, Amy, Amy... I SMH at myself sometimes. But oh well, I'd better make the best of it. I'll also need to fit in my weight watchers meeting too that night. Ugg......

And speaking of which, I am thrilled to say I've gone from 175.6 lbs (size 14) down to 149 lbs (size 10) so far in the process. My work is not yet done, but I'm so close to being the size that makes me mentally comfortable. My body isn't achey anymore and I have so much more energy. It's so refreshing! Having a structured system to live by has been the only thing to work for me. Thank You Weight Watchers for holding my hand through it. I can't wait to lose another 20lbs!

Christmas Eve is on Sunday, and I just started losing my holiday spirit this morning. But then again I started a week early this year (the day after Thanksgiving actually). There's just so much consumerism!!!! it's making me want to vomit-literally. I need to just stop-put a cork in the spending of cash I don't have to spend on stupid presents. Enough is enough. And ya know, I do it every year whether I can or not...we find a way to provide Christmas for our dear loved ones even if it breaks us, or we have to sell our souls to the devil himself (we know he doesn't exisit but you catch my drift). Who we're really selling our souls to is BIG BUSINESSES that brainwash us everyday to SPEND SPEND SPEND! You need this, You need that! This THING will make you happy! But happiness can only be found within ourselves...right? Well not if you have kids that want, want, want. A parents love and a fruit basket isn't cutting it. And even though each year I love watching the excitement in my childrens faces as they open their gifts, the nausea sets in once all the gift wrap and bows are cleared away, and the huge pile of trash sits waiting to be sorted and broken down into the recycling baskets. Because, yes...once again I've bought into the BIG BUSINESS's plan.

Don't hate me because I'm feeling a lil BAHUMBUGGERISH just days before the big day.

I usually try to distract myself with planning little activities for the family to do around the holidays, making memories. But this year it seems we've all been just a little too busy and tired to do anything. We havent gone to see the lights, or bake cookies. We haven't made gingerbread houses or even really settled in to watch Christmas movies yet. We did however go to NYC to see the Rocketts Christmas Spectacular :) That is something we don't get to do usually. I think I can be happy with that.

Stay tuned.... I have some Child Ranting blogs ahead in the near future. lol
Until then, Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, and Happy Hanukkah!!!

Verbal Assault Vehical

One step forward, two steps back. That seems to be a life theme here. Repeating God awful lessons until they are perfected or at least sink in some what. So I sit here thinking to myself, "how many times will I get it wrong until I learn already?" The answer..... No more. I don't like hurting others with stupid unthought out unkind words. The problem lately it seems, is that I've been running my mouth without fully thinking it through first. And that's wrong. How do I go from a quiet person that never voices an opinion to a diarhetic verbal assault vehical? Have I become so jaded by the people and circumstances around me that I forgot how to respect the feelings of those I may be hurting? Wow.... so yeah these are the questions that have been weighing on my mind this week.

It's the second time, this stupid lesson is rearing it's ugliness. Something must be learned from it & it needs to stop here. This blog will help remind me of that. As I look back over this past year searching for clues as to what changed in my life, asking when exactly did I start to slip backward away from the positive path I was on..... I don't think it was anything in particular but perhaps a mesh of things and people getting my goat over time that has led me back to a harsh and sarcastic front. Sure it feels GREAT to shield & protect my feelings behind sarcasm but over time, I've lost my way- strayed from the path. It just goes to show that personal development is a task done "everyday" and is never ending. I wont beat myself up over it, because humanity is not perfect. I make mistakes, and sometimes I make them more than once. But I refuse to make this mistake again. For now on, I will take extra care to think before I speak or post things that discriminate against others. I will try and get back to the kind loving person that I was becoming. It's time to make that effort, and hopefully make it stick.

Life's lessons certainly keep things interesting that's for sure.
Here's to a nicer tomorrow.
xox

November Check In

Wow, time flies. Where did October go? I'll tell ya where it went, it went straight to hell! Christmas krept in even earlier this year than usual! I can't even get into the halloween spirit anymore- Thanks Santa. WTF! Anyway.... we "fell back an hour" and it's screwing everybody up around here. We're all fricken sleepy by 8pm anymore lol or is that just old age? I can't really tell.

November 1st 2011, my grandmom Dot left this hell hole for the bigger party in the sky. She waited for All Saint's Day to go marching along. I have to smile picturing her dancing and singing with her noise makers all the way up the stairway to heaven. I'm certain she was greeted by so many loved ones and friends that went before her. She out lived most of them at age 90. Grandma lived a full life, full of happy and funny memories. She was always telling a joke or story. When I look back over her life in my 35 years time, I have to smile. She was such a people person, something I am not. Many loved and were loved by her. Everyone in Port Richmond knew her as Grandma Dot. I'm glad I got to spend some time with her in the weeks prior to her passing, but seeing her in so much pain and discomfort made all of us feel helpless. God bless my Dad and Aunt Ginny who took such great care of her, and spent many nights a week visiting with her. You are saints!

And now, it's almost Thanksgiving all the planning is stressing me out a little. But our hearts have opened wide and full of forgiveness and healing. We invited family over this holiday to our home for appetizers, dinner and dessert. With much to be thankful for, we have Chris's Mom Betty back in our lives, as well as my sister Cheryl & her hubby Art & Jeremy who will be expecting a little girl in March. It was perfect timing how this all happened. After years of bitterness, Chris and I "both" had a moment of awareness without even talking about it. Was it the passing of grandma that opened our hearts? I'll never know, but it just feels right to have forgiveness and our family back together reguardless of things that happened in the past. Maybe blood really is thicker?

This year I am Thankful!!!! For everything and everyone!

Still going strong with my weight watchers diet. Lost 21.lbs holding steady but would still like to loose 20 or 25 more. I feel much better about myself and I'm able to wear clothing "not tents!" haha I think just being able to wear normal clothes has satisfied me for now that my losses each week have been minimal. I need to set my next goal to achieve the next smaller size in my closet. Just as soon as ThanksGiving passes I will hit the gym full force, and restrict my diet again. I need some significant results.

We started Christmas shopping early this year. Just had to, not by my choice! So needless to say, Christmas is finally creeping into my heart. The tunes and jingles are playing here at Casa de Wons :) and my lists for shopping are constantly being revised. I hope we can make it all happen in time for everybody. Chris has been working everyday!!! My Dad too!!! The guys are tired and falling apart without a day off in between. Thank goodness for the holiday this week- they will finally get a long weekend break. But they have to soak up the OT while they can if there's going to be a christmas this year. Thanks guys for all your hard work! Santa will bring you a stock of medicated ointments & potions for your aching bods. <3

My Chinese Zodiac

THE FIRE DRAGON 1916 AND 1976The Fire Dragon is a powerful force to be reckoned with. This is a Dragon doubled! The Fire Dragon can move from calm and collected to combustible in a matter of seconds. In some ways the Fire Dragon is his or her own worst enemy. These Dragons cannot help feeling they are valuable and all-knowing. When they are right their vehemence and vigor is an asset to the cause, and though they value objectivity, they do not always employ the best decision-making measures, and sometimes jump to the wrong conclusion. They also suffer from recklessness and quick tempers. Yet, when they do keep their temper, emotions, and rivaling spirit under control, they emanate a commanding influence on other people.

Dream Journal

Bridge


To dream that you are crossing a bridge signifies an important decision or a critical junction in your life. This decision will prove to be a positive change filled with prosperity and wealth in the horizon. Bridges represent a transitional period in your life where you will be moving on to a new stage. If the bridge is over water, then it suggests that your transition will be an emotional one.
 
~my bridge dreams are always over water and I'm always on foot walking acrossed. In this one, there were strangers walking with me, and it was extremely windy and gray skies. There were cars in the water that didn't make it across. I did make it across however by foot. Destination- Deleware South bound?
 

A work in progress.

Happy October! It's the most wonderful time of the year...for me anyway. Crisp cool weather, the changing leaves, Autumn mums blooming everywhere, & creatures preparing their food supply for Winter. Today however, I'm sitting here feeling lost. I think I have everything I've ever wanted, a working husband, two healthy happy kids in school, the house quiet and to myself. Oh how I LOVE being alone during the day...I may even enjoy being alone in the evening as well. So I don't know what my problem is. Am I bored? I should probably focus and read a motivational book or concentrate on crafting. There are many things I "should" be doing but, all I wanna do is crawl up into the fetal position and watch Charmed on TNT. Charmed makes me miss my bff even more. Life is shitty with my bf being hundreds of miles away :(

I am making plans for the family to do some fun Fall activities this month. We have already gone apple picking. I've been doing the whole baking thing, and in a week or two we'll be going to the haunted hayride/ mansion at Sleepy Hallow. Fun stuff. I think what I really want and have been lacking is my intimate connection with nature around me. Somethings off, like I've been disconnected and I truly dislike it. My mind is in a fuzz :( maybe an effect of the prozac? Saddening. Whatever it is, I need to fix it fast. Otherwise, I'll just continue to feel this blah disconnectedness.

I want to take a quiet walk in the park or some place peaceful. I want to watch and observe the wild life going about their business. I want to capture that awesome photograph, that special moment! I want that quiet peacefulness in my life but to be able to accomplish something fulfilling at the same time. Something I can't do when other people are around me bossing me around, stressing me out. But I don't walk in the park alone because it's dangerous. Why do I have to be a tiny female? Maybe I need to take a self defense course so Im not feeling so vulnerable when alone. Maybe I need to work on me! work on finding ways for my own personal liberation. hmmm....

On another note, I'm staying the course healthwise and staying with my goal to lose the extra weight. Yay me! Still doing weight watchers and it's working! 18.lbs lost!!! so far and I feel great. I've put away all the tents I've been wearing. The clothes especially tops that I have, have been getting too big. Most of my tee's are falling off me, and I pulled out some smaller tops that I had put away. I lost 1 whole size in jeans which is a good start. My goal is to lose 2-3 more sizes. It's been a noticable difference :) You know, my weigh had been out of control and making me miserable for years, it feels really awesome to finally have control over it again. Weight Watchers works!!! And I owe it to my Mom for making me go! I remember that day I stepped on the scale only to see I had gained 5 more pounds putting me at my heaviest weight ever! My world felt crushed and hopeless and I called my mom in tears. She took my hand and drove with me to the weight watchers meeting and got me signed right up. I was doubtful. But after being shown how to eat better and better portion, the weight started coming off right away! 2-4lbs a week :) a little at a time. And it's staying off too! Yeah there are those weeks in between, when I only maintain the weight loss but no gain is good! And I'm on my way back to a healthier outlook on life and myself. No more beating myself up! No more putting myself down! I'm self loving baby!! Cause if I dont learn to love myself, how can I expect others to love me? Actually, if I love myself- screw everyone else. I don't need their love. And I'm certainly finished begging for acceptance and approval.

I'm working on me now. And right now it's time for a healthy protien rich breakfast and some yoga to follow. Have a great day everybody!

Seasons Change: Catch Up.

September has come and we say goodbye to another summer. How quickly time flies when you're having fun. Actually, I really hadn't planned much to do this summer since Chris's unemployment checks ran out we've really been feeling the pinch greater than ever. But with the love and kindness of family & friends we've been able to enjoy trips to the aquarium & zoo, and days spent at the pool soaking up the sun. That's right! even my pasty ass got a tan this year so it hasn't been bad.

We celebrated Dana's sweet 16 down the shore with my parents this year :) Dana was able to bring her bff Ivanna along to pal around with. She said it was the best birthday EVER :) We were so lucky with the weather and timing of the trip too. We had perfect weather from the day we got there to the very hour we left to come home. Sadly Hurricane Irene slammed all the shore points hard, and caused some major damage inland as well. We know many who were badly affected and our hearts go out to them. Again, we were very lucky and managed to keep our power, and sustained no damage. The weather has been insane, we even had a noteworthy earthquake of 5.9! and the aftershock of 5.5 the night after. And during Irene tornado warnings were flying left and right. This has been one crazy week! The last earthquake Philadelphia experienced was over 200 years ago. Fascinating. My family and I were on the beach when it hit and we barely noticed. But people and neighbors back home said they were woken up by the house shaking. Again, no damage to our home thankfully. We just had some things knocked over or curtains that had fallen down. Our 3 cats seemed freaked out, and continued to be skittish for a week or two after. But they are all better now :) "Friendly is playing tag with Dana."

As my favorite time of year comes, with it the kids are back to school and I am getting a sense of peace and tranquility back in my life. Oh I forgot to mention, my hubby has finally scored a full time position over at the new charter school. We are all very excited! It's been two years since his lay off from NorthEastern Hospital. We were worried that this oppertunity wasn't ever going to come. He likes it. The pay isn't wonderful but it's a step up in the right direction. We are grateful. So it's true, prayers are heard and sometimes answered :) God always seems to give us what we need to get by.

Chris's Mom also contacted us over the summer in late July. We hadn't had any contact in almost 7years after she moved away and there were some unsettled feelings. It's a good thing Chris found his spirituality and learned compassion and forgiveness because he has invited her back into our lives, and the kids are getting to know her. It's nice having Betty back. It's good and were making the most of our time together this time around, because ya never know when it might be taken away again.

So as you can see, we lot's of exciting news, and healing going on, and excitement for the future. :) I wanna just take a minute and send a shot out to God/Universe for having our backs. I'm happy that we were able to learn from the curve balls, the harder times, the trial and plain old CRAP thrown at us. We're definately stronger, and have clearer minds because of it.

I'm now the proud mother of a junior in highschool and a 2nd grader :) This year Jake only cried for the 1st week. By the 2nd week he's been acting like a big boy. He must like his new teacher because he has done something this week that shocked the hell out of me. He's NOT giving me trouble at homework time!!! He's reading alone!!! and doing math worksheets on his own!!! He even counted money correctly!!! You might be reading this and thinking yeah so what, but what you dont understand is how hard it was for us to get him to focus last year. Homework was always frustrating for Jake and myself because he just simply didn't want any part of it. But the tables have turned and he's making his mommy & daddy & big sissy proud! The best part, is that he's much calmer and happier. Being away at school makes him more lovable and helping when he comes home :) can you say WINNING!!!!????

So now here I am enjoying my alone time again. The husband is out of the home working, the kids are at school, and here I am alone quietly with only my thoughts. I'm loving it! I've craved this for so long! Seriously I'm so friggen happy I could shit. I wake in the mornings now with a sense of importance, getting Jake off to school, a power walk, maybe some yoga if Im feeling it, and whatever chores that need done, I can now do them willingly with peace of mind and at my own pace. I'm a happy 35 years young cat lady again. I find myself looking for things to do, so I started organizing and planning out the dinner menu for the upcoming two weeks. I'm working on clearing out the clutter again. Somehow things always tend to get messy and disorganized "thank you family." I have time for reading again even though it's a sure way to put me to sleep. Everytime! So naps are back :) Plenty of facebooking and soon again blogging. I haven't blogged much because my thoughts have been preoccupied. It's much easier to concentrate without a demanding child, or husband blaring the volume on the tv. The change is good! My mother even said I was glowing :)

To top everything off, I'm excited about my 12.lb weight loss with weight watchers. I see and feel a real difference. And I'm never going to stop! I'm setting my goal for the end of December so I can start the new year off with my new body :) and attitude! Wish me luck! Pin Up pictures are in my future ;))

Look Out World She's on her way BACK! For real this time.

Weight Watchers

Every 6 months this body of mine seems to gain another 5.lbs. I've been battling with my weight now for about 5 years and I'm so sick of it. Three weeks ago I started taking serious steps to fix this. First by going for a check up and blood work to make sure things are normal, then I joined weight watchers and the gym. I really do feel better-the burden of sadness has lifted and I feel like Im finally doing all I can be doing to help myself now. My drive to suceed is great! I haven't felt this determined in over a year.

With the help of WW, I am learning to portion my food, and what good foods I should be eating. They make it so easy with the points plus system. I find myself still able to enjoy the foods I like without feeling guilty. And each week I lose more weight. My"peace"of mind comes from going to the gym 5 days a week for an hour at a time. I simply get my heart pumping on the treadmill. At this time I feel good walking at a steady pace for 3 miles a day. Which is doing my tummy and waist line wonders. I can feel and see a difference, and I plan to maintain it. Yay me! If things go well, I'm thinking by December I should be in my weight goal range.

Thursday night weigh in.
1st week- 1.8 lbs lost (no exercise just portioning better)
2nd week-  .6 lbs lost (50 minutes of exercise added)
3rd week- 4.0 lbs lost (10 extra minutes of exercise added = 1hr walk time) YEAH!!
4th week- 0.0 lbs (began a new med for clear skin)
5th week- 2.6 lbs lost
6th week- 1.4 lbs + (gained from vacation-not bad)
7th week- 3.6 lbs lost (added yoga)
8th week- 1 lbs lost (TOTAL so far 12.2 lbs lost)
9th week- 3 lbs lost
10th week- 1.6 lbs lost
11th week- 1.4 lbs lost
12th week- .06 lbs lost
13th week- 0
14th week- 1.6 lbs lost
15th week- .04 lbs lost
16th week- 1.4 lbs lost (TOTAL so far 20.6 lbs lost) Silver Bravo Star :) Yay!

Embracing Uncertainty

Embracing Uncertainty. Breakthrough Methods For Achieving Peace of Mind When Facing The Unknown-By Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.

Surving over two years of uncertainty where the future and security of my loved ones are involved due to the failing economy has toyed with all of our emotions time & time again. Yesterday I felt it was time to visit the library and see what literature popped out for me to read. This book grabbed my attention. I'd seen it there before, I think it's been recommended through previous authors I've read. But this time, I think I needed to read it.

According to the first three chapters, life is much easier to tolerate when we live by a "MAYBE" kind of attitude. Taking nothing for granted, and letting go of the control for perfect outcomes. Maybe it will be a good day, maybe it wont. We often need to be right about everything too, when we should be listening to eachothers point of views instead. Agreeing to disagree is better than having to know it all all the time. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you're right, maybe your wrong. We don't know the grand design of the universe and it's intentions. Science is based on a significant amount of guessing. So maybe there's a reason why this country is in crisis, maybe there's not. I'd like to think this country is coming to a new age, a realization that in order to survive we need to drastically change the way things are done in government. I like to think everything will work out in the end, but maybe it wont. Then what? I guess I'm learning that I have no control over the future. It will be whatever it will be. And only time will tell. We can only do the best we can in the mean time.

The "pinch" is greater now than it's ever been, and I hate seeing those I love carry such a big burden. We need a miracle....God, please....we need you.

Having no control over anything has been frustrating. But giving up control over everything can be liberating according to this book. So I'll let ya know how it turns out.

Promoting Self-Love.

For my birthday this year I was given a rose quartz candle holder similar to this one. And let me just say this.... "I LOVE IT." But that's what rose quartz do right? They are magical gemstones that promote self love, and open the universal pathways for love.

So yesterday I sat with my new quartz and quietly ignited it's powerful energies. You may not be a believer in this sort of thing but I'm telling you it works, and it's exactly what I've been needing. I feel wonderful. I feel a new found love for myself, that I've lost some time ago. I now feel back in touch with who I truly am, and I'm reminded of the things I once loved & enjoyed. xoxox

Two weeks ago, I placed 3 small rose quartz crystals next to my bed hoping to provide a lil something needed that has been missing. I've noticed a slight change, but then this large rose quartz found it's home here a week later, and I'm noticing instant results. :) Does anyone know of a tea light candle that burns for 5 hours at a time? Cause I lit this candle placed it bedside and it burned all night long, only to extinguish itself the moment I left the room this morning.

JUNE an entire Month dedicated to Gemini :)

Happy June 1st everybody. I'm starting a special birthday blog and all the wonderful ways to celebrate for the month. Yay Me. My celebrating actually started yesterday May 31st.

May 31st- treated myself to a full body massage. Affordable, very good and in home! Didn't even have to leave my house. Had the house to myself, put on on soothing music and lit the candles and incense- Bang! I was good to go :) 1 hour of relaxation. pdailey77@yahoo.com for info.

June 1st- spent the evening at mom & dads enjoying a home cooked chicken parm & spaghetti dinner followed by stocks pound cake and our fave tv shows :) My ghost hunting kit arrived today too! And, my garden was in full bloom. Yay!
June 3rd- Downloaded all my music to the computer for instant access.
June 4th- Chris hosted a little birthday celebration Toga style for my 35th. Mom & Dad brought me the annual Stocks Bakery cake accompanied by Butter cake :)
June 5th- Treated ourselves to breakfast at the Liberty Diner.
June 6th- Lounged all day. Clipped myself some fresh flowers from my garden. Was recommended an old TV series called Legend of the Seeker- and love it!

Theraputic Rant

Ok I'm convinced that it must just be everyone else. Perhaps, I'm equally as cursed as other misunderstood emotional artists who uniquely express their feelings in a way that others just do not understand. I don't want to come off as prudent, I'm just different apparently. Since I'm not numbed up on anti-depressants anymore I'm forced to deal with the unplesantries of the people closest to me. Though I love them dearly, I'm equally as annoyed and upset with them for not "getting me or understanding me." When I'm upset, and you ask me what's bothering me, be prepared for the answer that follows.OR simply don't ask. Instead of being sympathetic as to why I feel the way I do, they tend to get angry and stand offish which only boils the water more. Now I'm left with the uneasy feeling and ideas that everyone else is just a bunch of fucking Assholes. Yes, with a capital "A."

As I'm writing this, it has occurred to me that "this must be my do over." The last time I felt this way was "pre-anti-deppressant" and on the verge of self destruction. Now again, I'm at a crossroad, repeat my past mistakes or choose to somehow accept and grow from my current circumstance. Where will it lead me this time? It's easier not to feel. But burrying my feelings way down beneath 4 years of chemical altering meds has left me over weight and unhappy but had given me a huge spiritual growth. Trust me, I really want a drink right now, with a handful of capsules. But the little voice inside my head is nudging me on the shoulder saying, come on, you can take the high road now. Be strong. Early in my marriage I was pretty sure of what I wanted and how to get it. But somewhere along the way I got tired of fighting for it. But I've let things go for so long now- could it be too late? I'm speaking on many levels here not just a particular subject or circumstance.

Today, right now I am accepting that this is my life and this is how it's always going to be unless I change it. I can not depend on others to change or to live up to my expectations. It is what it is. Am I outgrowing my relationships? No, perhaps my relationships were just falsely interpreted with too much hope for something else. What I am realising, is that I am alone. I am truly alone. I must depend on me to make me happy. Because as long as there is internet substiting for real personal relationships, I will be second best in the eyes of my husband. And I'm trying to accept this. I am tired of giving so much energy and emotion to trying to figure this out.

There are things to be done in the home, I am tired of asking repeatedly, tired of waiting. I've been patient. Perhaps it's becoming clear to me that my husband isn't as dependable as he once was to take care of his home and projects around the home as once before. Is it because he doesn't care? or is it he doesn't care about my feelings or happiness? I suppose this is how it's now going to be. And it's saddening. I could get angry and point out the fact that the man hasn't had a fulltime job in two years- so he cannot be tired from working long hours. Even is part time job doesn't require any physical labor. He was more productive around the house for christ sake when he was working! I was also more assertive then. It is Saturday today, it hasn't rained now for three days- so what is his excuse? Still, he sits watching TV and facebooking his days away. That's great.

On such a beautiful day, you'd think we'd be doing some outdoor family activity if not home improvements. Family time just isn't as important to some, as maybe it used to be. So we waste our lives away doing nothing. Internet is the devil. It sucks the life out of people, robbing them of what's truly important. After this blog, I'm going to give the internet a rest. I'm going to rely as little as possible on other people and do whatever it is I need for myself. I'm going to try and be the best mother I can be for my kids. The husband is a big boy and he seems to be doing just fine by himself. So be it... Be by yourself. I refuse to be alone any more. I will be my own best friend for now on. Enjoy your choices.

I must try not to stray from what I know to be true.

From: Buddha Blessings

‎"Seeking the truth" should be part of everyone's lives. However, you may not know where to begin. Here are a few tips.
• Look at yourself. Not only in the mirror of course, you have to look at all of yourself - body and soul. Be objective. Even the characteristics, traits, that is, those qualities in yourself that you do not like-exam...ine these closely. Have a true perspective of yourself.

• Always ask yourself about what the "spiritual" aspect of your life is making you experience right now. Reflect on the spiritual side of life many times a day.

• Identify what patterns of thinking, and "bad habits" that you may have that make you blind to the deeper meaning of your life. Always look for ways to overcome these behaviors, and especially watch out if these are unconscious. You may need a therapist to help you work on your unconscious.

• Make a search of ways to make you even more open to your spiritual side. Identify what spiritual practices are best suited for you to be receptive and understanding of the spiritual truths that govern us and the universe.

• Give a part of each day over for "contemplation" and "reflection". These are two different activities. You focus upon your mission, your destiny, your calling and your purpose. These synonymous words of course can bring similar concepts to your mind. Reflect on these words as they apply to your life. Contemplate, that is, see with your mind (and heart) an object or person that is meaning to your life-to you each and every day. When you reflect on the other hand, you look for lessons that your life experiences are teaching you. Do not go through life hastily. Pause, reflect and learn thereby.

• Have time with little kids. Little children can surprisingly be wonderful sources of enlightenment and wondrous insights. Listen to whatever question they may pose, and see if you can picture yourself as the child that asked that question. See from the same point of view of innocent curiosity. Incorporate this simple, spiritual curiosity as part of your spiritual quest.

• Finally, keep a spiritual notebook or a spiritual journal. Spiritual means that your journey is the focus of such a notebook or journal. However, include general observation and insights. Include things that seem trivial.

(EzineArticles.com)
"Don't blindly believe what I say. Don't believe me because others convince you of my words. Don't believe anything you see, read, or hear from others, whether of authority, religious teachers or texts. Don't rely on logic alone, nor speculation. Don't infer or be deceived by appearances."

"Do not give up your authority and follow blindly the will of others. This way will lead to only delusion."

"Find out for yourself what is truth, what is real. Discover that there are virtuous things and there are non-virtuous things. Once you have discovered for yourself give up the bad and embrace the good."
- The Buddha
( * If you feel even just a tiny bit unconfortable, step away.. from a person, from a situation.. step away. You DON'T have to stick arround. You can choose.

Learn to say NO.

Stop trying to please everyone! Ask yourself these questions: will these people be there for you if you need them? Can’t they really do these things themselves instead of running to you all the time? What will YOU gain from helping out this person?

It’s your life and your time, so you better start prioritizing things that will make YOU happy.* )

Snotty Ass Kids

Usually, I don't let my nerves get rattled when my daughter gets a little rude because she's a sensitive kid. But when I think about it,  she pretends not to know any better- when she in all actuality "should know better." We have a rule that her father and I, DO NOT like her hanging out at the boyfriends house located in the middle of GhettoVill. We fear for our lives everytime we need to drive in that neighborhood, so why then would we allow HER to go there? We don't. And she knows this. Yet, he continues to invite her over, and she continues to ask and get disappointed everytime I say NO! I don't care, if they will pick you up and bring you back, are they going to stop a bullet from flying in the window during a shoot out? I don't think so. The boyfriend is afraid to walk to the corner bus stop without getting jumped. He's already been hit by a car by some idiots who thought it would be fun to randomly hit and run. He's been jumped various times and now carries a knife on him. Lovely. We're talking about the Bridge & Pratt area- Conklin Street to be specific. So after I say no. She starts with the disappointed quiet act and goes to bed. Better get over it fast honey or find a boyfriend who lives closer to home.

I later go to her room because we share an ipod adapter. Not sure why when her new ipod touch probably should have it's own adapter. I ask her, where's the ipod thingy I need it. And she just looks at me as I'm looking around. So I repeat myself and she gets attitude. First of all WHY am I having to repeat myself? And secondly, WHY am I getting attitude? Snotty ass kids these days. I already get it 24/7 from Jake I don't need it from her too. WTF! Where's the respect? I'm your parent god damn it! SHOW SOME RESPECT. I guess I have to start beating on them. And stop mumbling under your breath. Speak the fuck up. This way I can hear you and you wont need to repeat yourself. Attitude! I'm sick of it. SICK OF IT!

So Far Away

I'm addicted to movies in genre :drama section. I love Jane Austin and her english proper ladies of the court. Tonight I watched Emma with Gweneth Paltrow. It was cute. I really enjoy those types of movies. Miss Woodberry & Mr Knightly make a lovely couple in deed. Oh how I wish, times were still as they were then. So proper, reserved and respectible. I know your thinking what? But I'd never fit in, hahaha. I'll have you know I can fit into any surrounding. I'm like a fricken chameleon adapting to my surroundings. I can be a proper lady. Sad thing I'm surrounded by a rude and inproper society these days. How depressing. I'm still a hopeless romantic beneath my sarcastic exterior.

It's literally been raining here for two weeks, with no end in sight. The lack of sun has made me seriously deficient in vitamin D. I'm FRIGGEN PISSED OFF people heed my warning. And I'll have you know I hate you all equally right now. lol.

I need something. Not sure what it is....a life? a change of scenary? I'm searching for something but I haven't quite put my finger on it. Today I made a sad attempt to shop for new curtains with a major fail. I figured Id call my mom to come along, since she's always stuck home babysitting my sisters kid. She came along but I sensed she only came so I wasn't alone. Sweet of her but unneccesary. After driving back and leaving her home, I really felt like just driving off someplace alone. Take a long drive out to the middle of nowhere. But where would I go? I suck! I can't even take myself for a drive. I want to be AWAY from HERE. "So far away-Staind" just popped on my ipod.

Is that Light at the end of the Tunnel?

SERIOUSLY? It must be the end of the world!!! Chris and I were finally approved for a government loan/grant to help us pay and get current with our mortgage since WellsFargo totally dicked us over with the whole remodefication loan process scam the pulled. YAY! this is the best news we've recieved in a long ass time. No more harrassing phonecalls and threats of foreclosure :) I hope this is the beginning of a beautiful future ahead. Yes approved for the same government loan/grant thingy that Wells Fargo swore we wouldn't get approved for. Wells Fargo, YOU SUCK!

Next up- winning the Cash 5 lotto. We've narrowed down the amount of winnings we'd actually really need to be happy. Instead of $20,000,000, We'd like to settle for $500,000 Please & Thank You. hahaha

Possession: The Film

I watched the movie: Possession tonight (Gweneth Paltrow) It was a romance film- right up my ally. These two historians that work for the British museum were hunting for the missing pieces of a famous poet Ash's life and romantic affair had with Madam Lamotte back in 1859. Their affair was filled with all the good stuff, passion, fire, deciet, & scandal. I love the raw passion and uncontrollable desire the couple had resulting in a love child Ash was never told about. The fact Ash & Lamotte were both poets, lured me in even more so. I love the way people spoke back then. They spoke with eloquence, and such depth. They way the women dressed in corsetts and big heavy dresses grabs my interest as well. The victorian era and I have something in common. Past life maybe?

Needless to say, this movie sparked something in me that I haven't felt in a long time. Not quite sure what it is, but I'm thirsty for more. :)

The Rapture

Rapture Shmapture. What a load of crap! I can't believe people are taking this thing so seriously. Serious enough to actually make conversation and debate about it. Rediculous. I find it somewhat amusing, romanticizing the thought of having the END in sight. We should be so fortunate. I don't believe a word of the bible but if I did, the predtictions for the end of the world & the bible don't match up. ex.The end will come like a thief in the night. Um yeah we all know about it, some even anticipating it. I'm guilty. LOL I wont believe a damn thing unless the predictions of New Zealands massive earthquake starts to happen at 6pm tonight. What a friggen tease.

I do believe however my son Jake could be the Anti-Christ lol. But if you see a 6 year old destroying the planet killing billions of people you're smoking crack. Sorry fools but nothings gonna happen. But if by the 1% chance it does, were going out BBQ .

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Vegetarian Diet.UPDATE

K so, I dont know if not eating meat for a month has anything to do with my hair falling out or not. My once thick head of hair now feels so fine. I can feel the breeze on my scalp. EEK. What the hell. on the flip side of that, my finger nails have been shiney and healthy and strong. My skin is going through another breakout grrrr. Must be the time of the month. Son of a bitch- do I have this to look forward to every 4 weeks?

So I think adding meat back into our diets may not be so bad. It will definately be easier finding things to eat again. But it will be minimal and the healthiest selections possible. And ORGANIC! Im not giving up on vegetarian completely.

I would love to do a cleanse. 30 days of fruits, vegies and nuts only. Hmmmm....

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Exercise: Starts Monday

Chris promised to walk with me daily. Then if Im energized enough after, to get some exercise in. I'm looking forward to it. Fresh air, long walk=bonding time and doing a body some good. Wish me luck.
I hate it though, Chris already looks to be thinning out, and Im feeling like a fatted cow more so than ever. WTF!!!!

RIP

So my Dell dimension 8200 has passed on into cyber heaven finally after 10years. It just ceased. So I had a ball dismanteling it and setting it's guts aside for a recycled art project. I sort of feel like Spencer from iCarly lol. I wont miss the stress and wasted time that thing caused me. R.I.Pieces you piece of crap. And may our new working Dell bring us much happiness.

I went to Bestbuy out of desperation to purchase a new pc. Only to find out my store credit was cut way back- without notice. Son of a Bitch. Luckily I had just recieved a new business credit line (funny since I barely have any business coming in) so it was meant to be. I can't work with out a functioning pc so it was neccessary. It seems like everything is breaking this year. The AC unit, the pc, and I dont want to say it but 2 of our televisions are on it's way out I think. Shhhh... It's true we have the old big clunky tv's still, but if it's not broke I don't plan to upgrade. It will be nice to have the HD wall mounted flat screens someday though. I really want to put one back into my bedroom for those days I don't want to be bothered. Ahhh sanctuary.

I really feel the weighted stress on my chest having to make such a big purchase. God? when are we going to catch a huge financial break? You know, I'd be greatly satisfied winning the CASH 5 jackpot of $500,000. It doesn't have to be a million. Lol Just enough to buy my home, and pay off my debts. And make some home improvements-send the kids to college that sort of thing. Then my husband could afford to take a $15.00 an hour job and not worry. God? if you're listening, please reconsider?

What is this funky feeling I'm having? It doesnt seem to want a shake. I think I'm still carrying some bad mojo from a few weeks ago. When did I become so cynical and negative? I've always been sarcastic but only in fun. I don't like it. I find myself not even enjoying the little things anymore. I'm so outta touch with myself and surroundings- help? I'm lost! I lost my internal mapquest :(

I need a spiritual retreat to reconnect with my roots. Cause right now I'm in limbo, stumbling around in the dark. I did find a small piece of myself two nights ago while painting an art piece- but it was short lived. I love those quiet evenings when it's just me and my artists brush and the radio tuned into 104.5fm. Maybe I'll do some scrapbooking. That usually reminds me of all the blessings in my life. I just hope I can tap into the creativeness I've been lacking. Get me out of this RUT please?

Maybe I need to make time for reading. Reading usually gets me into a good zone. But the book has to really grab my attention. Chris goes to the library often and brings home good titles, but none seem to hold my attention. How many spiritualistic self help books can I read? It's like reading the same book over & over again. Obviously none are working right now for me. Somethings missing, and i can't quite put my finger on it. God lead the way please? send me the next sign on where to go, and what to do, even if it's just a book title to read. Something? I'll try to pay attention. Promise.

Dream Journal Entry

Last night I dreamed I was on vacation at the shore with my hubby and 4 girlfriends, and Jake. I was feeling lost, and alone. (Alot of tension from my last blog mixed in.) I left the motel and was unable to find my way back. But when I did make it back to room 20, which changed to 10 for some reason, the tension was magnified. My husband's attention was focused more on everyone else than myself. I stood looking out the window and witnessed one of the most beautiful sunsets, and to the left was also the full moon setting at the same exact time. It looked like one of those tropical screensavers for a pc. I called the girls over to see it, but they were too late. Only I had gotten to see it. I then wandered out to the deck where I sat looking at the black star-filled sky feeling very angry "feeling like the sun that once filled my days" had set forever. Not even the moon would shine anymore. Just then a young man came to me, excited to meet me. I must have been well known or something in this dream, because he continued to tell me he keeps my picture hidden behind all his artwork for good luck. For a nano second I felt special, something other than all the negative feelings holding me down lately. ((Just then Chris and Jake came to wake me up- like seriously?)) ....sigh

......

This environment is becoming hostile. I'm beginning to wonder why I even bother to speak, nobody fucking understands a word I say anyway. I mean am I speaking a foreign language or are you freakin stupid? I am so annoyed beyond control when Chris just stands there looking at me with that dumb fucking look on his face everytime I open my mouth. I mean come on really? I should just take the vow of silence. No one bothers to pay attention or listen anyway. It's been feeling really lonely here. It's been far too long since I've felt totally at ease around here. Now is not the time to test my stability....

This "not hearing me/understanding what the fuck I'm saying" drama has been building now for weeks, feels like months. My son Jake doesn't help matters any either. That kid just never listens. But on top of that, he occupies ALL of my husbands time and attention leaving absolutely NADA for anything or anyone else. So where does that leave things? unresolved. It doesn't stop there, the lonliness I feel comes from a "just ok marriage." I read an article in Glamour Magazine about this book title coming to print end of May that sounds all too familiar in my situation. Needless to say, I'll be reading it! hopefully finding some comfort by it- how pathetic. Sigh.... I'm not going to dig deep into my marital blisslessness here. I'm just really needing to rant right now. I'm enraged! at life! at myself! at my neighbors! I'm just NOT a happy girl right now.  Just this past week a friend said in passing that everyone is envious of my marriage, I'm thinking... yeah if you only knew...

It's just one extreme to the next around here. I live in a bi-polar household with bi-polar relationships. No wonder I'm feeling bi-polar. So tonight after everyone went to bed, I came to the basement to have a good hard cry. Drowning in my suicidal tendancies, pleading with the higher power to hurry up and end it-because Im still too chicken shit to do it myself I decided well, I could continue crying my eyes out and suffer a migraine later or have a big stiff drink instead. So the drink won. So I'll live to cry another day. Yay Me! This is where I'd normally have some huge revelation about life...... hmmm.... waiting.....waiting..... yeah no... it sucks ass.

My marriage has pretty much always endured one fucked up situation to another over the years. I'm not saying were not happy, we make a great team- but it's always been lonely. I married my best friend- it's literally like living with a friend, not a lover. And you know what? I'm so hurt and bitter right now because of it that if we were to ever have a moment, I'd push him away. Not out of spite, because I've been hurt for so long. It's always had me questioning myself- what's wrong with me? Is it me?  Not good for my self esteem at all!
My husband went from a porn addict- neglecting me to a friggen zen buddhist, who apparently took some vow of celebacy without informing me. FML!!! Go ahead dear, keep trying to SAVE the world on Facebook, meanwhile your home life is falling to fucking shit.

GET A CLUE!
Love & Light Dipshit.

Mom's Day

So my mother's day celebrating started last Friday when I spent they shopping with Mom :) We went to ihop for breakfast and chitchat then browsing the shops. She spoils me with spring clothing. Thanks Mom! I'm so lucky to have such a great Mom. She makes me feel like a kid again. Then on Sunday the plan was to go to Peddlers Village and spend a nice day browsing and having dinner. But.... we got lost and wasted too much time getting there :( We literally got to go in 3 shoppes before stores were closing up. By 5:30pm Jake was complaining that he was hungry but all the restraunts were packed! So we decided to hit an Italian/American restaurant down the road. We didn't know it was reservation only. So after walking out, the hostess came out saying they would fit us in anyway, and we accepted. The sign outfront said "3 course meal for $16." But, no where on the menu was that listed. In fact there was nothing on the menu less then $22. I don't even want to know what a cocktail would've cost. So, after the hostess made a snark remark about "planning ahead," we decided to leave. WTF? Is that how you treat your customers? You don't deserve our business. With our group of 6, she was easily out $200. So we decided to go to good ole Apple Bees instead. And it was there I started feeling really like shit. I can't pinpoint it, maybe it's my weight, maybe it's my financial status or both. Not to mention my irritability already present from "getting lost." I think I just needed to scream!

I felt great last week being able to get two good exercise workouts in. But it's been three days since and I feel like I've failed myself. Maybe there's hope it was not for nothing IF I can work out today. But I hear that my hubby just walked in from work, and is blasting the 700 club. Sometimes I wish I lived alone. I know that sounds shitty- but that's what I'm trying to tell you- that's the mood I've been in. Just leave me the frig alone!

Victim of Sneaky Bank Schemes

Well yes we have fallen victim to Wells Fargo's dirty handed scheme to foreclose on it's homeowners. At the moment there is a case action lawsuit against big banks like Wells Fargo for it's underhanded business dealings setting 90% of it's clients up to fail or fall behind on their mortgages and then threaten to foreclose. We are no exception. It just really leaves a bad taste in my mouth that our very own mortgage lender would do such a nastey thing. We can't trust even our banks anymore? WTF is this world coming to? I hope those dirty bastards get what's coming to them and get it BAD! TRUST NO ONE!!!!

When my husband was laid off from his employment, we were keeping ends met, until last year when things got really tight- me having lost my part time job. We fell 2 months behind and were really trying to work with the mortgage company to make the payments. Then Wells Fargo picked up our loan and said they could work with us by applying for this and that, and then the dreaded remodification loan process reared it's ugly head. Not knowing law requires you to have a lawyer present, my husband did it over the phone with these guys (our own lender who should be trusted). Turns out, they misguided us on purpose to fall even further behind on our payments only to harrass us daily threatening forclosure. Isn't that lovely? During this time we've been made aware of all the dirty deals going on out there right now. TRUST NO ONE!

Right now, things seem to be a little better. Wells Fargo finally agreed to lower our monthly payments for 3 months probably due to the pressing lawsuit being brought against them to change their dirty ways of under handing people. But who knows what will happen after this. ::sigh:: How do I stay positive in such a crappy world?

Prankster on the Wangsters

So I can't seem to shake this feeling. For two weeks now I've been hatin' on the world! I have no good excuse really, just everything has been getting to me. This isn't like me. I even smudged myself the other night thinking I had to of picked up some bad mojo somewhere. But I'm still easily irritable. Even those closest to me are pissing me off. I'm sure my hubby loves how often I'm tossing around the F bomb too.

The whole crappy computer thing keeps me pissed off that's for sure. It's a good thing I haven't needed it to edit pictures lately cause then I'd probably have a breakdown. You know those days when everything seems to go wrong? as if the world is against you? Yep been having ALOT of those days lately, more so than I've ever had! It's like a hex has been placed on me. Not as far fetched as it sounds. I have a crappy next door neighbor sending bad mojo. I really should work on that.

Speaking of neighbors.... I think they are all a bunch of freakin whack jobs! Erika & Joe being the exception. Seriously, I don't get it. We've lived here 10 years and we speak to NONE of them. Not just our doing, they just don't acknowledge us even being here unless they want a petition signed or whatever. And I just love how they insist on taking up two parking spots in front of my home because they don't feel like parking in front of theirs. WTF? .......................... "evil smirk" I just got the urge to have a little fun. Yes I'm feeling slightly scampish! It's fun when you just dont give a care about concequences. I'll let you know what happens after I pull my pranks. Muahahaha.....

Baby Hatchlings

Approximately 6:15am this morning, the Crows nested just out front were teaching their 6 babies to leave the nest. The commotion outside my window had me roll out of bed to find out what the heck was going on. Other birds were chirping, squirrels were making that hissing squeaking sound they make and the baby crows were squawking times 6 of them! I watched for 5 minutes as the parentals bounced from tree limb to tree limb squawking for their young to follow. All but 1 seemed to catch on pretty quickly. The one sat alone on the limb after it's siblings left, whistling quite beautifully. I didn't know crows could whistle so nicely. Good for you little one for being unique. I think I read somewhere that crows live to be about 30-50years old. I wouldn't mind having the whistling crow stay nearby. Before now, I never realized how noisey and loud they can be. But I'd take their noise over the noise of my ignorant neighbors and city life any day.

Shape Your Future with Law of Attraction

Catching up!

I've been feeling pretty good these past few days, happy and grateful for our home while it's still ours to keep. I've been grateful our marriage has grown as strong as it is today and for our kids being mainly pretty healthy and doing well in school. I'm proud, I'm happy, and I've been satisfied. I've been taking the time to admire the flowers, the birds and bees, and I was even fortunate enough to see a white butterfly visiting my garden yesterday TWICE! To see a white butterfly is said to bring good luck :) So why then is my next door neighbor hassling me about my beautiful flowering dogwood tree that borders both properties?

While fertilizing my azaleas this evening, my estranged neighbor Ray comes outside to tell me "again" that he wants to cut the branches off my tree that cross the property line. I asked him again why he wanted to do such a thing. He insists squirrels are bothering his windows. I've looked over the tree and the branches do not even extend near to his windows because Chris keeps the branches pruned back from his home. It's just an excuse to be an asshole. He's been telling me for 10 years now that he hates my tree. Somehow I believe him this time when he says he'll cut it down.

So I said to him with frustration in my voice "GO AHEAD!" If you want to war with me, DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO!" With that after throwing my hands up in the air I stormed in the house. He's never seen me that angry and I hope it sends a real message. Either do it or shut the fuck up old man. I can't recall the last time he actually had something nice to say other than a complaint of some kind. The only time he speaks to us is when he or his family needs a favor. We used to talk all the time about 5 or 6 years ago. I'm not really sure what happened. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer and I really think it went to his brain! The main has a shitty relationship with his wife and frankly I think he's just a bitter miserable man looking to take some kind of control over anything he can in his life. Why not get picky over my tree? After all it's not hurting anyone. If anything it's providing him shade on hot sunny days- since he uprooted his tree a few years ago.  ::sigh::

If he touches the tree, I swear.... he will regret it. After all the noise I put up with his three ankle biting barking dogs day in and day out, and I haven't complained- oh yes he will regret he ever messed with me. I'll turn into the neighbor from hell! How many times have we helped them out over the years? and this is the thanks we get? ok pal. I have your number.

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We've been having some really warm and beautiful weather these past few days. It's been making me so sleepy! It just feels so nice to curl up in the sunlight and siesta with the breeze and wind chimes singing. Ahhh lazy mornings and afternoons. Sucks for accomplishing anything. Imagine if there were no such concept of time? What if there were no clocks dictating our day? What if we just went about our business in our own good time? The idea sounds rather tantalizing to me. To be here and now- without rush or hussel. Present!

Chris and I have been day dreaming about the future. (hows that for an oxy-moron ^ ) We plan to hang around here until Dana graduates high school. Then we plan to follow our dreams and leave the city. But, until then we've accepted this to be our dwelling and continue putting everything we love into this as our home and hopefully the future owners will love it as well. We plan to pave the back yard into a driveway and build a deck off the kitchen :) just as I've always dreamed of doing. How lovely it will be to have outside dining and entertaining! I can't hardly wait! French sliding glass doors of course are a must! Unless.... I can find something on a Japanese zen design :) Then there would be no need for curtains. Hmmmm.... Also the bar would get a complete makeover as well. Everything must go! New tiled floors, new bar design in the opposite end of the room, totally refashioned into a zen den :) But with the stripper pole back in place haha. Plasma screen tv's mounted appropriately, and plenty of room for dancing! Why not make the best of the last remaining 2yrs?

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I've been fascinated with a pair of ravens that have nested just out front the house about two doors over. I've been watching them for the past month or so stake out the perfect nesting tree. Finally they've decided to settle, meanwhile paying my dogwood a visit almost daily to collect branches for their new home. Loud birds they are... They caw alot but it doesn't bother me. I like to imagine what the conversations are about. I wonder if they are expecting to lay some eggs soon. It's been at least 8 years since I've seen baby crows around. Come to think about it, I haven't seen any robins around lately either. Hmmm..... Still I continue to refill the bird feeder once every three days hoping to observe the different birdies that stop by for a meal.

I took all my plastic flowers out of my window boxes upstairs, hoping the morning doves would nest there again. I even layered one of them with some raffia to tempt them, but they have not come. :( I remember a time when I felt a tight bond with the critters around me. Now I feel like I must re-establish the trust. So sad. But I'm sure it will happen.

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This week was back to school week after spring break that just ended. Chris takes us to school in the mornings but he has to leave right away to get back to work- therefore I walk home. Which I don't like until Im actually in route enjoying all the blooms and Lilacs scenting the air. Mmmm lilacs! I must get 1 or 2 for my property. Such a delightful scent! Maybe I'll line my property with them to cut of my troublesome neighbor. But he'd surely want to cut them down as well- grumpy old man.

So today, while letting Jake run off some energy in the playground I sat quietly hoping the other parents stayed away. I don't know, but I hate talking to strangers. And they're all just so weird over there! I'd rather keep quietly to myself to think, notice the little things about the kids, listen to the laughter, watch the cloud formations. Call me a dork, maybe I am! So I walk Jakers to his line and his teacher doesn't come out. Every morning my little dude worries about getting a substitute teacher. With tears in his eyes he resists staying in his line without me beside him. But then the gym teacher comes out to get them, and they all erupt with excited cheer! The girls running up to hug him, the boys high fiving him. Quickly the frown turned upside down and all was ok in the world as he waved to me goodbye. :) And once again, I was on my route home smelling the lilacs in the air, concentrating on tightening my muscles as I struggled to power walk in Adidas sandals. lol

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I've been trying out some really good recipes from my new vegetarian cookbook this week. I'm pretty proud of ourselves for really sticking to it. But then it's easy to do when you change your way of thinking and actually give a shit about what your eating. This week I made Lemon Pepper Bow ties with Asparagus which was ok. Not a huge fan of lemon pepper recipes but tried it anyway. Then I made Tortellini soup & salad which was fantastic, and even better the second day for a snack. And today we had rice and bean enchiladas! Holla! they were delish! We celebrated Easter at the olive garden with my parents and my sister's family where Chris and I had eggplant parm. OMG wanna talk about YUM? this was so good I licked my plate clean hahaha, well not really- my bread stick licked it clean ;) I did indulge in dessert by having a white chocolate raspberry cheesecake slice, mmmm which I enjoyed so much I was in a state of bliss for hours after! Seriously! I think not eating stuff like that anymore really sent me into some strange state of happiness. Endorphin overload! Hahaha

So this evening, I sat down to watch two tear jerking movies... what better way to level my emotions right? Extremely happy to really sad. I should level off somewhere in the middle don't ya think? The kids and I watched Hachi a dogs tale. Richard Gere starred in it- such a nice film based on a true story about loyalty. And the other was Serious Moonlight starring Meg Ryan. Dark comedy that had its moments and made me cry lol. A lot of touching stuff right thurrr. :)

Anyway... I'd better cut out now, I think I've already written a chapter or two.
Until next time.....

Time for a reinvention :P

Sometimes I don't know whether to give up or dive deeper into my work, family, health, or life in general. It would be so easy to just give up and give a big ole middle finger to the world, but really I don't want to go out like that. So it may be time to reinvent myself. And that's exactly what I've started to do. Healthwise, it's paying off. I feel good! Lately, I feel so good I forget how old I actually am. Yesterday I was goofing off trying to immitate my goldfish when they are hungry.... I did a flying leap into the air with the most tramatic looking face, sending the family into a fit of hysterics! Last night and through most of the day today I was suffering excrusiating pain in my theighs and back side knees. Ahh why yes, that new scent I'm wearing is BEN GAY! simmered on high with a heating pad! lol I feel like a 100 bucks now by the way.

Oh and since Im eating nothing but healthy these past few weeks, Im hoping my lack of artificial hormone intake smooths over soon. I am a 34 year old mature woman and should NOT be having facial breakouts! For crying out loud! Im not sure if I have lost any weight yet (I avoid the scale) but I definately have more energy and mentally feel thinner. My husband noticed :) or was he being nice?

Anyway, I've taken up an interest family wise again. I forgot how much I've enjoyed spending time with certain family members :) Laughter and enjoyment have returned, and my days aren't so blah blah blah anymore. I actually give a shit about things other than me! How about that? lol Sleep is overrated anyway. Spring is here and I want to enjoy it. I hope by Summer, I'll be well on my way to bathing suit shopping!!! Hello! Hell I'll be happy just to fit into a cute mini skirt, and form fitting top again. I'm planning on having a bonfire for all my cover ups and baby doll tops & big butt jeans! Hoot Hoot! Can I get a size 6 please? I've decided to settle for a size 6 instead of my glorified size 4 (I always mention.) It's more realistic, but who knows what natural body God really intends me to have. I've stopped eating the CRAP! I might be a size 4! Here's hoping! Mentally Im ready, and Im mentally preparing to dive into an exercise program next. I just recieved SKINNY BITCH BODY. 

Another area I'd like to reinvent myself is with my photography. I think now Im ready to be a little more picky and choosey. My vision of final outcome is becoming more clear and certain. I know the quality of work I want to produce, and Im ready to make it happen. :)

Living Life in the Zen Lane

I have to say that I've been feeling pretty good considering. That's a matter of perspective of course. Since I've weened off anti-depressants & other hormone replacement meds I've felt awesome emotionally and mentally, but DAYUM... I forgot the mood swings and body aches pms can bring. LOL. Apparently so did my husband as I was yelling at him in the super market last night. Poor guy, but he shouldn't ask me stupid questions and then patronize me during this time of the month lol.

I swear it's like I've been gifted a new mind & body with a new sense of touch, healthy appetite, and feelings. Guess I never realized how desensitized I was these last few years. It's one thing to take medicines when you absolutely need them, and it's a whole other process of "knowing when to ween off them." I'm so glad I did. Because I feel so alive! I feel so blessed to have a wonderful husband who loves us and cares enough to do anything for us unconditionally, two beautiful kids, awesome parents, and great friends that I consider to be family. I'm even happy to have 3 cool cats, a frog, and 3 gold fish, and 1 iguana that I have fostered out to my Dad. lol

I chose to wake up. And I've been doing extremely good sticking as closely as possible to a no meat diet. I've even started making the changes to quit dairy replacing them with organic soy based products. I'm buying fresh fruits and vegetables too and plenty of raw nuts for healthy snacks. And so far I cant complain. I tried tofu the other day instead of general toas chicken, cant promise I'd ever order it again but it wasn't awlful. I think I'll just stick to the vegie dishes instead. Mmmm... Who needs meat anyway? It's definately a mind set. I am starting to feel a difference body wise though the scale says I havent lost weight. I don't feel as bloated, or water retentive. I had worn a top today in which the sleeves and tummy were a tad tight three weeks ago. Today I had some room! It's always reassuring when I can slip into a pair of jeans and actually feel comfortable instead of sucking my gut in only to leave the button undone anyway. Yay Me!

Meditation has left me feeling completely and utterly fantastic. I was floating all day, even though I spent 2 hours wasted in a family court waiting room with "he who shall not be mentioned" it didn't bother me one bit. Because I was calm cool and collected and a FORCE TO RECKON WITH! So what if he is a lying no good for nothing scum bag... I have the facts and truth on my side. And that my friends, goes a long long way. The truth will set you free :) If you remember passed blogs I posted, you might recall how upset scumbag used to get me. I feel FREE now knowing and accepting, "hey it is what it is." Have no expectations especially of him. He's most likely never going to do the right thing where my child is concerned. Selfish no good people never change their spots. He's cememnted that proof in stone. There's a reason why we didnt stay together. Thank God we didn't. My life couldn't be any more perfect than it is. Even during this uncertain time in our lives. At least we know, we always have each other. "Family & Friends."

I really havent felt this great in years. This ZEN HEN has resurfaced finally :)

Skinny Bitch is Changing my Life.

You know that certain point of desperation, & you say "THAT'S IT" something must be done, NOW!? Well, I've had it. Last week after being down about my weight, I went shopping with my Mom. My wake up call came while trying on spring dresses at Target. GUH!!! I thought I was at my largest last summer, but once again I broke the record for this year. And I'm saying enough is enough. Obviously it's not going to go anywhere unless I make the change. A conscious change to choose a healthier way of eating and living. And my food choices changed that exact same day. Grilled, not fried. Salad with fat free dressing, not french fries. Water not soda or sweetened drinks.

I had picked up a new book while shopping called "Skinny Bitch." It was blunt, harsh, and funny. What started out to be about healthy food choices turned into a campaign to turn vegan. Not vegitarian, VEGAN! meaning no meat, no dairy, and all organic products. The result being the skinny beautiful body you always had but couldn't find. Normally I'd be like "HA" yeah, "NO CHANCE of THAT" happening because I love my meat and dairy. But the authors of the book are realy convincing! It becomes more about the cruelty behind the scenes that goes on, the lies and big business marketing behind healthfood adds and commercials. Organizations put in place that are supposed to oversee the food packaging process out of health concerns for our nations citizens are lieing to us all! Lies lies lies!!! The information in the book is backed up with tons of facts, and info collected from various studies, laws, and statements that you yourself can double check for authenticity. It's seriously been an eye opener for me personally. The cruelty farm animals endure for our consumption is unethical and disgusting! I for one do not want that KARMIC residue. And so I have decided to make serious changes in my diet. But it doesnt stop there! I'm more informed now about all the chemicals that are put into our foods and other products like health and beauty aids! We can't even pronounce the shit thats named on these ingredient lables, yet alone the ones that are not required by law to even list. READ YOUR LABLES PEOPLE! Inform yourself! With a conscious effort, you can live healthy. I am starting to do just that.

This entire week I've been following a simple food plan. Fresh fruit for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and a light meal for dinner. Dinner time has been tricky to start because I have a fridge stocked with planned dinners and snacks we would normally eat so it's a process. Eating healthier is my step 1. Soon I will wean off all read meat, then poultry. Not only is it cruel to eat it, it sits in your colon unable to fully digest for years!!!! No wonder I cant lose weight. Holy shit speaking of shit- I cant shit normally either! Now I know why. Detox Detox Detox! I've cut out all soda (not that I really drank it anyway) and artifical sweeteners and sugar have been a big one for me. I'm sticking to tea instead of coffee too. I use natural honey instead, no dairy creamers. And it's really not been that hard to do! which is totally suprising the hell out of me. It just goes to show- I can do it once I put my mind up to it.

My husband and I went out to dinner with friends on Friday and it was a true test. I passed by ordering a vegatarian meal. I really had limited options so vegan was out of question. Being it was a social night I endulged in 2 margaritas and 2 beers that evening which would be a big NO NO on any other typical day. (Hey I have to make allowances-I dont want to stop living afterall). Oh and there were some cheese fries later that evening. So no one said it was going to be easy especially when impaired lol. But I will do better.

The weekend passed and I the cravings were in full force. Damn it, the price to pay for indulging the night before. Skinny Bitch advises to refrain from old habits for at least 30 days- by then you will have come so far, that you wont dare blow it. So here I am, starting week #2 still wanting to walk this path. Water is my friend :) I dont need sweeteners. I don't need that box of Mike n Ikes or that chocolate chip cookie. Ok maybe just a couple.

Right now Im feeling guilty about all the unhealthy food in my pantry. I hate wasting food especially when money has been tight. So the plan is to eat it sparingly, and hopefully stick to this plan somewhat until it's all out of here and replaced with fresh fruits and vegetables instead. Another big part of living healthy is exercise. Yeah haven't quite gotten to that part yet. But I'm thinking about going for a daily walk to build up my energy to start.

The one thing I am REALLY excited about is weaning from prescription medication that isn't needed any more. Getting rid of even more pullutants! Birth control gone, and adjusted to. Anti-depressants gone, and so far so good. I only have one more thyroid medication that I may be very well stuck with forever unless I can get super healthy with diet and exercise. I have to tell you, being off the anti-deppressant has been "just wow!" I feel alert, alive, and I have a physical sense of feeling back to my body. I feel things! my body hurts! my finger tips arent desensitized! The first week I started weaning myself and eating better was physically hard because the headaches were non-top. But I got through it without disrupting the detox process. And I mean taking nothing for the headaches. I let my body work it out on its own. And guess what? I lived! lol

My husband, wants to join me partway on my new health kick plan. He's smoked his last cigarette!! He's cutting out red meats, and he wants to go on daily walks with me :) Perfect! I can't think of anyone else I'd like to walk this path with more. I feel a nice change happening for us... All my wishes are slowly being answered. Thank You Universe.  Now... about that windfall of cash and a big beautiful place to live....