......

This environment is becoming hostile. I'm beginning to wonder why I even bother to speak, nobody fucking understands a word I say anyway. I mean am I speaking a foreign language or are you freakin stupid? I am so annoyed beyond control when Chris just stands there looking at me with that dumb fucking look on his face everytime I open my mouth. I mean come on really? I should just take the vow of silence. No one bothers to pay attention or listen anyway. It's been feeling really lonely here. It's been far too long since I've felt totally at ease around here. Now is not the time to test my stability....

This "not hearing me/understanding what the fuck I'm saying" drama has been building now for weeks, feels like months. My son Jake doesn't help matters any either. That kid just never listens. But on top of that, he occupies ALL of my husbands time and attention leaving absolutely NADA for anything or anyone else. So where does that leave things? unresolved. It doesn't stop there, the lonliness I feel comes from a "just ok marriage." I read an article in Glamour Magazine about this book title coming to print end of May that sounds all too familiar in my situation. Needless to say, I'll be reading it! hopefully finding some comfort by it- how pathetic. Sigh.... I'm not going to dig deep into my marital blisslessness here. I'm just really needing to rant right now. I'm enraged! at life! at myself! at my neighbors! I'm just NOT a happy girl right now.  Just this past week a friend said in passing that everyone is envious of my marriage, I'm thinking... yeah if you only knew...

It's just one extreme to the next around here. I live in a bi-polar household with bi-polar relationships. No wonder I'm feeling bi-polar. So tonight after everyone went to bed, I came to the basement to have a good hard cry. Drowning in my suicidal tendancies, pleading with the higher power to hurry up and end it-because Im still too chicken shit to do it myself I decided well, I could continue crying my eyes out and suffer a migraine later or have a big stiff drink instead. So the drink won. So I'll live to cry another day. Yay Me! This is where I'd normally have some huge revelation about life...... hmmm.... waiting.....waiting..... yeah no... it sucks ass.

My marriage has pretty much always endured one fucked up situation to another over the years. I'm not saying were not happy, we make a great team- but it's always been lonely. I married my best friend- it's literally like living with a friend, not a lover. And you know what? I'm so hurt and bitter right now because of it that if we were to ever have a moment, I'd push him away. Not out of spite, because I've been hurt for so long. It's always had me questioning myself- what's wrong with me? Is it me?  Not good for my self esteem at all!
My husband went from a porn addict- neglecting me to a friggen zen buddhist, who apparently took some vow of celebacy without informing me. FML!!! Go ahead dear, keep trying to SAVE the world on Facebook, meanwhile your home life is falling to fucking shit.

GET A CLUE!
Love & Light Dipshit.