Ok I'm convinced that it must just be everyone else. Perhaps, I'm equally as cursed as other misunderstood emotional artists who uniquely express their feelings in a way that others just do not understand. I don't want to come off as prudent, I'm just different apparently. Since I'm not numbed up on anti-depressants anymore I'm forced to deal with the unplesantries of the people closest to me. Though I love them dearly, I'm equally as annoyed and upset with them for not "getting me or understanding me." When I'm upset, and you ask me what's bothering me, be prepared for the answer that follows.OR simply don't ask. Instead of being sympathetic as to why I feel the way I do, they tend to get angry and stand offish which only boils the water more. Now I'm left with the uneasy feeling and ideas that everyone else is just a bunch of fucking Assholes. Yes, with a capital "A."
As I'm writing this, it has occurred to me that "this must be my do over." The last time I felt this way was "pre-anti-deppressant" and on the verge of self destruction. Now again, I'm at a crossroad, repeat my past mistakes or choose to somehow accept and grow from my current circumstance. Where will it lead me this time? It's easier not to feel. But burrying my feelings way down beneath 4 years of chemical altering meds has left me over weight and unhappy but had given me a huge spiritual growth. Trust me, I really want a drink right now, with a handful of capsules. But the little voice inside my head is nudging me on the shoulder saying, come on, you can take the high road now. Be strong. Early in my marriage I was pretty sure of what I wanted and how to get it. But somewhere along the way I got tired of fighting for it. But I've let things go for so long now- could it be too late? I'm speaking on many levels here not just a particular subject or circumstance.
Today, right now I am accepting that this is my life and this is how it's always going to be unless I change it. I can not depend on others to change or to live up to my expectations. It is what it is. Am I outgrowing my relationships? No, perhaps my relationships were just falsely interpreted with too much hope for something else. What I am realising, is that I am alone. I am truly alone. I must depend on me to make me happy. Because as long as there is internet substiting for real personal relationships, I will be second best in the eyes of my husband. And I'm trying to accept this. I am tired of giving so much energy and emotion to trying to figure this out.
There are things to be done in the home, I am tired of asking repeatedly, tired of waiting. I've been patient. Perhaps it's becoming clear to me that my husband isn't as dependable as he once was to take care of his home and projects around the home as once before. Is it because he doesn't care? or is it he doesn't care about my feelings or happiness? I suppose this is how it's now going to be. And it's saddening. I could get angry and point out the fact that the man hasn't had a fulltime job in two years- so he cannot be tired from working long hours. Even is part time job doesn't require any physical labor. He was more productive around the house for christ sake when he was working! I was also more assertive then. It is Saturday today, it hasn't rained now for three days- so what is his excuse? Still, he sits watching TV and facebooking his days away. That's great.
On such a beautiful day, you'd think we'd be doing some outdoor family activity if not home improvements. Family time just isn't as important to some, as maybe it used to be. So we waste our lives away doing nothing. Internet is the devil. It sucks the life out of people, robbing them of what's truly important. After this blog, I'm going to give the internet a rest. I'm going to rely as little as possible on other people and do whatever it is I need for myself. I'm going to try and be the best mother I can be for my kids. The husband is a big boy and he seems to be doing just fine by himself. So be it... Be by yourself. I refuse to be alone any more. I will be my own best friend for now on. Enjoy your choices.
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