Theraputic Rant

Ok I'm convinced that it must just be everyone else. Perhaps, I'm equally as cursed as other misunderstood emotional artists who uniquely express their feelings in a way that others just do not understand. I don't want to come off as prudent, I'm just different apparently. Since I'm not numbed up on anti-depressants anymore I'm forced to deal with the unplesantries of the people closest to me. Though I love them dearly, I'm equally as annoyed and upset with them for not "getting me or understanding me." When I'm upset, and you ask me what's bothering me, be prepared for the answer that follows.OR simply don't ask. Instead of being sympathetic as to why I feel the way I do, they tend to get angry and stand offish which only boils the water more. Now I'm left with the uneasy feeling and ideas that everyone else is just a bunch of fucking Assholes. Yes, with a capital "A."

As I'm writing this, it has occurred to me that "this must be my do over." The last time I felt this way was "pre-anti-deppressant" and on the verge of self destruction. Now again, I'm at a crossroad, repeat my past mistakes or choose to somehow accept and grow from my current circumstance. Where will it lead me this time? It's easier not to feel. But burrying my feelings way down beneath 4 years of chemical altering meds has left me over weight and unhappy but had given me a huge spiritual growth. Trust me, I really want a drink right now, with a handful of capsules. But the little voice inside my head is nudging me on the shoulder saying, come on, you can take the high road now. Be strong. Early in my marriage I was pretty sure of what I wanted and how to get it. But somewhere along the way I got tired of fighting for it. But I've let things go for so long now- could it be too late? I'm speaking on many levels here not just a particular subject or circumstance.

Today, right now I am accepting that this is my life and this is how it's always going to be unless I change it. I can not depend on others to change or to live up to my expectations. It is what it is. Am I outgrowing my relationships? No, perhaps my relationships were just falsely interpreted with too much hope for something else. What I am realising, is that I am alone. I am truly alone. I must depend on me to make me happy. Because as long as there is internet substiting for real personal relationships, I will be second best in the eyes of my husband. And I'm trying to accept this. I am tired of giving so much energy and emotion to trying to figure this out.

There are things to be done in the home, I am tired of asking repeatedly, tired of waiting. I've been patient. Perhaps it's becoming clear to me that my husband isn't as dependable as he once was to take care of his home and projects around the home as once before. Is it because he doesn't care? or is it he doesn't care about my feelings or happiness? I suppose this is how it's now going to be. And it's saddening. I could get angry and point out the fact that the man hasn't had a fulltime job in two years- so he cannot be tired from working long hours. Even is part time job doesn't require any physical labor. He was more productive around the house for christ sake when he was working! I was also more assertive then. It is Saturday today, it hasn't rained now for three days- so what is his excuse? Still, he sits watching TV and facebooking his days away. That's great.

On such a beautiful day, you'd think we'd be doing some outdoor family activity if not home improvements. Family time just isn't as important to some, as maybe it used to be. So we waste our lives away doing nothing. Internet is the devil. It sucks the life out of people, robbing them of what's truly important. After this blog, I'm going to give the internet a rest. I'm going to rely as little as possible on other people and do whatever it is I need for myself. I'm going to try and be the best mother I can be for my kids. The husband is a big boy and he seems to be doing just fine by himself. So be it... Be by yourself. I refuse to be alone any more. I will be my own best friend for now on. Enjoy your choices.

I must try not to stray from what I know to be true.

From: Buddha Blessings

‎"Seeking the truth" should be part of everyone's lives. However, you may not know where to begin. Here are a few tips.
• Look at yourself. Not only in the mirror of course, you have to look at all of yourself - body and soul. Be objective. Even the characteristics, traits, that is, those qualities in yourself that you do not like-exam...ine these closely. Have a true perspective of yourself.

• Always ask yourself about what the "spiritual" aspect of your life is making you experience right now. Reflect on the spiritual side of life many times a day.

• Identify what patterns of thinking, and "bad habits" that you may have that make you blind to the deeper meaning of your life. Always look for ways to overcome these behaviors, and especially watch out if these are unconscious. You may need a therapist to help you work on your unconscious.

• Make a search of ways to make you even more open to your spiritual side. Identify what spiritual practices are best suited for you to be receptive and understanding of the spiritual truths that govern us and the universe.

• Give a part of each day over for "contemplation" and "reflection". These are two different activities. You focus upon your mission, your destiny, your calling and your purpose. These synonymous words of course can bring similar concepts to your mind. Reflect on these words as they apply to your life. Contemplate, that is, see with your mind (and heart) an object or person that is meaning to your life-to you each and every day. When you reflect on the other hand, you look for lessons that your life experiences are teaching you. Do not go through life hastily. Pause, reflect and learn thereby.

• Have time with little kids. Little children can surprisingly be wonderful sources of enlightenment and wondrous insights. Listen to whatever question they may pose, and see if you can picture yourself as the child that asked that question. See from the same point of view of innocent curiosity. Incorporate this simple, spiritual curiosity as part of your spiritual quest.

• Finally, keep a spiritual notebook or a spiritual journal. Spiritual means that your journey is the focus of such a notebook or journal. However, include general observation and insights. Include things that seem trivial.

(EzineArticles.com)
"Don't blindly believe what I say. Don't believe me because others convince you of my words. Don't believe anything you see, read, or hear from others, whether of authority, religious teachers or texts. Don't rely on logic alone, nor speculation. Don't infer or be deceived by appearances."

"Do not give up your authority and follow blindly the will of others. This way will lead to only delusion."

"Find out for yourself what is truth, what is real. Discover that there are virtuous things and there are non-virtuous things. Once you have discovered for yourself give up the bad and embrace the good."
- The Buddha
( * If you feel even just a tiny bit unconfortable, step away.. from a person, from a situation.. step away. You DON'T have to stick arround. You can choose.

Learn to say NO.

Stop trying to please everyone! Ask yourself these questions: will these people be there for you if you need them? Can’t they really do these things themselves instead of running to you all the time? What will YOU gain from helping out this person?

It’s your life and your time, so you better start prioritizing things that will make YOU happy.* )

Snotty Ass Kids

Usually, I don't let my nerves get rattled when my daughter gets a little rude because she's a sensitive kid. But when I think about it,  she pretends not to know any better- when she in all actuality "should know better." We have a rule that her father and I, DO NOT like her hanging out at the boyfriends house located in the middle of GhettoVill. We fear for our lives everytime we need to drive in that neighborhood, so why then would we allow HER to go there? We don't. And she knows this. Yet, he continues to invite her over, and she continues to ask and get disappointed everytime I say NO! I don't care, if they will pick you up and bring you back, are they going to stop a bullet from flying in the window during a shoot out? I don't think so. The boyfriend is afraid to walk to the corner bus stop without getting jumped. He's already been hit by a car by some idiots who thought it would be fun to randomly hit and run. He's been jumped various times and now carries a knife on him. Lovely. We're talking about the Bridge & Pratt area- Conklin Street to be specific. So after I say no. She starts with the disappointed quiet act and goes to bed. Better get over it fast honey or find a boyfriend who lives closer to home.

I later go to her room because we share an ipod adapter. Not sure why when her new ipod touch probably should have it's own adapter. I ask her, where's the ipod thingy I need it. And she just looks at me as I'm looking around. So I repeat myself and she gets attitude. First of all WHY am I having to repeat myself? And secondly, WHY am I getting attitude? Snotty ass kids these days. I already get it 24/7 from Jake I don't need it from her too. WTF! Where's the respect? I'm your parent god damn it! SHOW SOME RESPECT. I guess I have to start beating on them. And stop mumbling under your breath. Speak the fuck up. This way I can hear you and you wont need to repeat yourself. Attitude! I'm sick of it. SICK OF IT!

So Far Away

I'm addicted to movies in genre :drama section. I love Jane Austin and her english proper ladies of the court. Tonight I watched Emma with Gweneth Paltrow. It was cute. I really enjoy those types of movies. Miss Woodberry & Mr Knightly make a lovely couple in deed. Oh how I wish, times were still as they were then. So proper, reserved and respectible. I know your thinking what? But I'd never fit in, hahaha. I'll have you know I can fit into any surrounding. I'm like a fricken chameleon adapting to my surroundings. I can be a proper lady. Sad thing I'm surrounded by a rude and inproper society these days. How depressing. I'm still a hopeless romantic beneath my sarcastic exterior.

It's literally been raining here for two weeks, with no end in sight. The lack of sun has made me seriously deficient in vitamin D. I'm FRIGGEN PISSED OFF people heed my warning. And I'll have you know I hate you all equally right now. lol.

I need something. Not sure what it is....a life? a change of scenary? I'm searching for something but I haven't quite put my finger on it. Today I made a sad attempt to shop for new curtains with a major fail. I figured Id call my mom to come along, since she's always stuck home babysitting my sisters kid. She came along but I sensed she only came so I wasn't alone. Sweet of her but unneccesary. After driving back and leaving her home, I really felt like just driving off someplace alone. Take a long drive out to the middle of nowhere. But where would I go? I suck! I can't even take myself for a drive. I want to be AWAY from HERE. "So far away-Staind" just popped on my ipod.

Is that Light at the end of the Tunnel?

SERIOUSLY? It must be the end of the world!!! Chris and I were finally approved for a government loan/grant to help us pay and get current with our mortgage since WellsFargo totally dicked us over with the whole remodefication loan process scam the pulled. YAY! this is the best news we've recieved in a long ass time. No more harrassing phonecalls and threats of foreclosure :) I hope this is the beginning of a beautiful future ahead. Yes approved for the same government loan/grant thingy that Wells Fargo swore we wouldn't get approved for. Wells Fargo, YOU SUCK!

Next up- winning the Cash 5 lotto. We've narrowed down the amount of winnings we'd actually really need to be happy. Instead of $20,000,000, We'd like to settle for $500,000 Please & Thank You. hahaha

Possession: The Film

I watched the movie: Possession tonight (Gweneth Paltrow) It was a romance film- right up my ally. These two historians that work for the British museum were hunting for the missing pieces of a famous poet Ash's life and romantic affair had with Madam Lamotte back in 1859. Their affair was filled with all the good stuff, passion, fire, deciet, & scandal. I love the raw passion and uncontrollable desire the couple had resulting in a love child Ash was never told about. The fact Ash & Lamotte were both poets, lured me in even more so. I love the way people spoke back then. They spoke with eloquence, and such depth. They way the women dressed in corsetts and big heavy dresses grabs my interest as well. The victorian era and I have something in common. Past life maybe?

Needless to say, this movie sparked something in me that I haven't felt in a long time. Not quite sure what it is, but I'm thirsty for more. :)

The Rapture

Rapture Shmapture. What a load of crap! I can't believe people are taking this thing so seriously. Serious enough to actually make conversation and debate about it. Rediculous. I find it somewhat amusing, romanticizing the thought of having the END in sight. We should be so fortunate. I don't believe a word of the bible but if I did, the predtictions for the end of the world & the bible don't match up. ex.The end will come like a thief in the night. Um yeah we all know about it, some even anticipating it. I'm guilty. LOL I wont believe a damn thing unless the predictions of New Zealands massive earthquake starts to happen at 6pm tonight. What a friggen tease.

I do believe however my son Jake could be the Anti-Christ lol. But if you see a 6 year old destroying the planet killing billions of people you're smoking crack. Sorry fools but nothings gonna happen. But if by the 1% chance it does, were going out BBQ .

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Vegetarian Diet.UPDATE

K so, I dont know if not eating meat for a month has anything to do with my hair falling out or not. My once thick head of hair now feels so fine. I can feel the breeze on my scalp. EEK. What the hell. on the flip side of that, my finger nails have been shiney and healthy and strong. My skin is going through another breakout grrrr. Must be the time of the month. Son of a bitch- do I have this to look forward to every 4 weeks?

So I think adding meat back into our diets may not be so bad. It will definately be easier finding things to eat again. But it will be minimal and the healthiest selections possible. And ORGANIC! Im not giving up on vegetarian completely.

I would love to do a cleanse. 30 days of fruits, vegies and nuts only. Hmmmm....

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Exercise: Starts Monday

Chris promised to walk with me daily. Then if Im energized enough after, to get some exercise in. I'm looking forward to it. Fresh air, long walk=bonding time and doing a body some good. Wish me luck.
I hate it though, Chris already looks to be thinning out, and Im feeling like a fatted cow more so than ever. WTF!!!!

RIP

So my Dell dimension 8200 has passed on into cyber heaven finally after 10years. It just ceased. So I had a ball dismanteling it and setting it's guts aside for a recycled art project. I sort of feel like Spencer from iCarly lol. I wont miss the stress and wasted time that thing caused me. R.I.Pieces you piece of crap. And may our new working Dell bring us much happiness.

I went to Bestbuy out of desperation to purchase a new pc. Only to find out my store credit was cut way back- without notice. Son of a Bitch. Luckily I had just recieved a new business credit line (funny since I barely have any business coming in) so it was meant to be. I can't work with out a functioning pc so it was neccessary. It seems like everything is breaking this year. The AC unit, the pc, and I dont want to say it but 2 of our televisions are on it's way out I think. Shhhh... It's true we have the old big clunky tv's still, but if it's not broke I don't plan to upgrade. It will be nice to have the HD wall mounted flat screens someday though. I really want to put one back into my bedroom for those days I don't want to be bothered. Ahhh sanctuary.

I really feel the weighted stress on my chest having to make such a big purchase. God? when are we going to catch a huge financial break? You know, I'd be greatly satisfied winning the CASH 5 jackpot of $500,000. It doesn't have to be a million. Lol Just enough to buy my home, and pay off my debts. And make some home improvements-send the kids to college that sort of thing. Then my husband could afford to take a $15.00 an hour job and not worry. God? if you're listening, please reconsider?

What is this funky feeling I'm having? It doesnt seem to want a shake. I think I'm still carrying some bad mojo from a few weeks ago. When did I become so cynical and negative? I've always been sarcastic but only in fun. I don't like it. I find myself not even enjoying the little things anymore. I'm so outta touch with myself and surroundings- help? I'm lost! I lost my internal mapquest :(

I need a spiritual retreat to reconnect with my roots. Cause right now I'm in limbo, stumbling around in the dark. I did find a small piece of myself two nights ago while painting an art piece- but it was short lived. I love those quiet evenings when it's just me and my artists brush and the radio tuned into 104.5fm. Maybe I'll do some scrapbooking. That usually reminds me of all the blessings in my life. I just hope I can tap into the creativeness I've been lacking. Get me out of this RUT please?

Maybe I need to make time for reading. Reading usually gets me into a good zone. But the book has to really grab my attention. Chris goes to the library often and brings home good titles, but none seem to hold my attention. How many spiritualistic self help books can I read? It's like reading the same book over & over again. Obviously none are working right now for me. Somethings missing, and i can't quite put my finger on it. God lead the way please? send me the next sign on where to go, and what to do, even if it's just a book title to read. Something? I'll try to pay attention. Promise.

Dream Journal Entry

Last night I dreamed I was on vacation at the shore with my hubby and 4 girlfriends, and Jake. I was feeling lost, and alone. (Alot of tension from my last blog mixed in.) I left the motel and was unable to find my way back. But when I did make it back to room 20, which changed to 10 for some reason, the tension was magnified. My husband's attention was focused more on everyone else than myself. I stood looking out the window and witnessed one of the most beautiful sunsets, and to the left was also the full moon setting at the same exact time. It looked like one of those tropical screensavers for a pc. I called the girls over to see it, but they were too late. Only I had gotten to see it. I then wandered out to the deck where I sat looking at the black star-filled sky feeling very angry "feeling like the sun that once filled my days" had set forever. Not even the moon would shine anymore. Just then a young man came to me, excited to meet me. I must have been well known or something in this dream, because he continued to tell me he keeps my picture hidden behind all his artwork for good luck. For a nano second I felt special, something other than all the negative feelings holding me down lately. ((Just then Chris and Jake came to wake me up- like seriously?)) ....sigh

......

This environment is becoming hostile. I'm beginning to wonder why I even bother to speak, nobody fucking understands a word I say anyway. I mean am I speaking a foreign language or are you freakin stupid? I am so annoyed beyond control when Chris just stands there looking at me with that dumb fucking look on his face everytime I open my mouth. I mean come on really? I should just take the vow of silence. No one bothers to pay attention or listen anyway. It's been feeling really lonely here. It's been far too long since I've felt totally at ease around here. Now is not the time to test my stability....

This "not hearing me/understanding what the fuck I'm saying" drama has been building now for weeks, feels like months. My son Jake doesn't help matters any either. That kid just never listens. But on top of that, he occupies ALL of my husbands time and attention leaving absolutely NADA for anything or anyone else. So where does that leave things? unresolved. It doesn't stop there, the lonliness I feel comes from a "just ok marriage." I read an article in Glamour Magazine about this book title coming to print end of May that sounds all too familiar in my situation. Needless to say, I'll be reading it! hopefully finding some comfort by it- how pathetic. Sigh.... I'm not going to dig deep into my marital blisslessness here. I'm just really needing to rant right now. I'm enraged! at life! at myself! at my neighbors! I'm just NOT a happy girl right now.  Just this past week a friend said in passing that everyone is envious of my marriage, I'm thinking... yeah if you only knew...

It's just one extreme to the next around here. I live in a bi-polar household with bi-polar relationships. No wonder I'm feeling bi-polar. So tonight after everyone went to bed, I came to the basement to have a good hard cry. Drowning in my suicidal tendancies, pleading with the higher power to hurry up and end it-because Im still too chicken shit to do it myself I decided well, I could continue crying my eyes out and suffer a migraine later or have a big stiff drink instead. So the drink won. So I'll live to cry another day. Yay Me! This is where I'd normally have some huge revelation about life...... hmmm.... waiting.....waiting..... yeah no... it sucks ass.

My marriage has pretty much always endured one fucked up situation to another over the years. I'm not saying were not happy, we make a great team- but it's always been lonely. I married my best friend- it's literally like living with a friend, not a lover. And you know what? I'm so hurt and bitter right now because of it that if we were to ever have a moment, I'd push him away. Not out of spite, because I've been hurt for so long. It's always had me questioning myself- what's wrong with me? Is it me?  Not good for my self esteem at all!
My husband went from a porn addict- neglecting me to a friggen zen buddhist, who apparently took some vow of celebacy without informing me. FML!!! Go ahead dear, keep trying to SAVE the world on Facebook, meanwhile your home life is falling to fucking shit.

GET A CLUE!
Love & Light Dipshit.

Mom's Day

So my mother's day celebrating started last Friday when I spent they shopping with Mom :) We went to ihop for breakfast and chitchat then browsing the shops. She spoils me with spring clothing. Thanks Mom! I'm so lucky to have such a great Mom. She makes me feel like a kid again. Then on Sunday the plan was to go to Peddlers Village and spend a nice day browsing and having dinner. But.... we got lost and wasted too much time getting there :( We literally got to go in 3 shoppes before stores were closing up. By 5:30pm Jake was complaining that he was hungry but all the restraunts were packed! So we decided to hit an Italian/American restaurant down the road. We didn't know it was reservation only. So after walking out, the hostess came out saying they would fit us in anyway, and we accepted. The sign outfront said "3 course meal for $16." But, no where on the menu was that listed. In fact there was nothing on the menu less then $22. I don't even want to know what a cocktail would've cost. So, after the hostess made a snark remark about "planning ahead," we decided to leave. WTF? Is that how you treat your customers? You don't deserve our business. With our group of 6, she was easily out $200. So we decided to go to good ole Apple Bees instead. And it was there I started feeling really like shit. I can't pinpoint it, maybe it's my weight, maybe it's my financial status or both. Not to mention my irritability already present from "getting lost." I think I just needed to scream!

I felt great last week being able to get two good exercise workouts in. But it's been three days since and I feel like I've failed myself. Maybe there's hope it was not for nothing IF I can work out today. But I hear that my hubby just walked in from work, and is blasting the 700 club. Sometimes I wish I lived alone. I know that sounds shitty- but that's what I'm trying to tell you- that's the mood I've been in. Just leave me the frig alone!

Victim of Sneaky Bank Schemes

Well yes we have fallen victim to Wells Fargo's dirty handed scheme to foreclose on it's homeowners. At the moment there is a case action lawsuit against big banks like Wells Fargo for it's underhanded business dealings setting 90% of it's clients up to fail or fall behind on their mortgages and then threaten to foreclose. We are no exception. It just really leaves a bad taste in my mouth that our very own mortgage lender would do such a nastey thing. We can't trust even our banks anymore? WTF is this world coming to? I hope those dirty bastards get what's coming to them and get it BAD! TRUST NO ONE!!!!

When my husband was laid off from his employment, we were keeping ends met, until last year when things got really tight- me having lost my part time job. We fell 2 months behind and were really trying to work with the mortgage company to make the payments. Then Wells Fargo picked up our loan and said they could work with us by applying for this and that, and then the dreaded remodification loan process reared it's ugly head. Not knowing law requires you to have a lawyer present, my husband did it over the phone with these guys (our own lender who should be trusted). Turns out, they misguided us on purpose to fall even further behind on our payments only to harrass us daily threatening forclosure. Isn't that lovely? During this time we've been made aware of all the dirty deals going on out there right now. TRUST NO ONE!

Right now, things seem to be a little better. Wells Fargo finally agreed to lower our monthly payments for 3 months probably due to the pressing lawsuit being brought against them to change their dirty ways of under handing people. But who knows what will happen after this. ::sigh:: How do I stay positive in such a crappy world?

Prankster on the Wangsters

So I can't seem to shake this feeling. For two weeks now I've been hatin' on the world! I have no good excuse really, just everything has been getting to me. This isn't like me. I even smudged myself the other night thinking I had to of picked up some bad mojo somewhere. But I'm still easily irritable. Even those closest to me are pissing me off. I'm sure my hubby loves how often I'm tossing around the F bomb too.

The whole crappy computer thing keeps me pissed off that's for sure. It's a good thing I haven't needed it to edit pictures lately cause then I'd probably have a breakdown. You know those days when everything seems to go wrong? as if the world is against you? Yep been having ALOT of those days lately, more so than I've ever had! It's like a hex has been placed on me. Not as far fetched as it sounds. I have a crappy next door neighbor sending bad mojo. I really should work on that.

Speaking of neighbors.... I think they are all a bunch of freakin whack jobs! Erika & Joe being the exception. Seriously, I don't get it. We've lived here 10 years and we speak to NONE of them. Not just our doing, they just don't acknowledge us even being here unless they want a petition signed or whatever. And I just love how they insist on taking up two parking spots in front of my home because they don't feel like parking in front of theirs. WTF? .......................... "evil smirk" I just got the urge to have a little fun. Yes I'm feeling slightly scampish! It's fun when you just dont give a care about concequences. I'll let you know what happens after I pull my pranks. Muahahaha.....

Baby Hatchlings

Approximately 6:15am this morning, the Crows nested just out front were teaching their 6 babies to leave the nest. The commotion outside my window had me roll out of bed to find out what the heck was going on. Other birds were chirping, squirrels were making that hissing squeaking sound they make and the baby crows were squawking times 6 of them! I watched for 5 minutes as the parentals bounced from tree limb to tree limb squawking for their young to follow. All but 1 seemed to catch on pretty quickly. The one sat alone on the limb after it's siblings left, whistling quite beautifully. I didn't know crows could whistle so nicely. Good for you little one for being unique. I think I read somewhere that crows live to be about 30-50years old. I wouldn't mind having the whistling crow stay nearby. Before now, I never realized how noisey and loud they can be. But I'd take their noise over the noise of my ignorant neighbors and city life any day.