I've got that feeling....

Ok, so I've been really good lately with NOT shopping for myself. But the weather is getting warmer now and I really want a few new outfits and new summer sandals. New clothes can really uplift a gal's mood. As of right now, I don't like what I'm seeing in my closet. I do however have some shorts/ capris I can work with. I need new tops that are NOT men's Tees. I would also like a summer dress to wear out, especially when The girls and I go to AC for a weekend. I could use some everyday casual wear- perhaps some addias sport shorts to pair up with my tees. And some more bermuda shorts in new colors, and a pair of Jean capris since I've temporarily outgrown mine with some complimenting tops that are actually made for a woman! lol

WHAT I NEED IS A MAKEOVER! Everyone should quick grab a pen and write into the Style channel and get me nominated! lol Better yet- go to their website! haha

I could really use a day at the spa... TOPPERS SPA? How nice it would be if all my lovely friends got together to send me off to the spa for my birthday.... HINT HINT! Hey I can dream can't I? Mmmm...massage, facial, pedicure, manicure, haircut & color. ugh....spoil me for a day PLEASE!

On another note, I think we could really use new bathroom towels and wash cloths. 2 new toilet seats, & floor mats. I saw a beautiful secondary comforter set on sale that I'd like to have. And oh how I'd love to get my dining room just the way I want it. I have an idea..but haven't finalized my decision yet. I want it light and airy, but yet it must hide everyday dirt from the boy! How do I achieve this without needing two colors and chair rail? Grrrr.... wall paper? (too costly).

I also have to get an organized makeup kit that I can use only for Pinup photo sessions. Don't want to be using my own. Ugh... all I'm seeing is $$$$ signs. Oh well...a girl can dream. PLEASE GOD HELP US WIN THE POWERBALL or MEGA MILLIONS ASAP!

Goodbye Funky Town!

I've been feeling FUNKY these past two days, moody, feeling sorry for myself blah blah (wahh wahhhhhh @s GeraRd would put it.) LOL. It's a human fault, and I'm an emotional female "Nuff said!" :D Blogging usually helps put my mind at ease, and certainly everyone who adds their two cents really help me also, so thanks everyone for caring.

I dove deep into some de-cluttering today, maybe to keep my mind busy, or maybe to symbolically shed the pounds of fluff. Anyhow, it kept me busy for most the day and well into the evening. I have parted with two very large bags of clothing and some bedding, and decor I'll never use again. I even parted with a few pair of shoes. "OH MY!" The clothing was just a painful reminder of my once size 4 that I'll never again fit into. Plus I gave up alot of things I NEVER WANT TO SEE MYSELF IN AGAIN. And alot of the smaller tops that will more than likely not be in style by the time I lose this weight. YES you heard me!!! WHEN I LOSE THIS WEIGHT! You see, once I preoccupied myself, my mind found peace. Gave myself a break from the harsh criticism I've been beating myself down with lately. " It is within a peaceful mind that creativity is born, and there you can find all the answers to your problems." (from the spiritual film Conversations with God)

My answer came to me after sitting down to watch this film tonight. It is a film about an author, his trials in life, and finding the answers to life through his conversations with God. Check it out on netflix sometime when ya have nothing to watch and see what I'm talking about :) Ok back to my answer.....

Love is the answer- it is the bottom line (in everything) So I asked myself, "what would love do now?" Love want's me to be happy. And losing half my size (at least) would make me happy. Since Im the only one who can make me happy, I must act on my own behalf.. LOL Still following me? Since my old exercise routines haven't stuck, I must try the only option left.... I need to have an early morning workout!!! I must get the workout in, before I get tired and go back for my early morning nap. IT'S GOT TO WORK! It's the only thing I havent tried yet.

My Logic: I'm up at 7:15am everyday to get Jake off to school. Instead of going back to bed at 8am, I'll go to the gym and get in a good hour or two. Then, hopefully I'll be energized enough to get through the day without a nap and get more accomplished day to day, thus being tired by a normal hour and rest peacefully until I get to start all over again at 7:15! I've got nothing going on that early in the mornings anyway- so nothing can ruin it. Then hopefully by the time the kids are finished school for the summer, I'll already be used to it and stick with it. Sounds like a plan. It's my last and only hope. Never in a million years had I thought I'd be giving up my sleep to exercize....but sleeping is NOT making me skinny. So exercize WINS! So wish me luck!!! It helps when I know you're routing for me :)



Do not feel abandoned, I will not and cannot leave you. Call on me wherever or whenever when you feel seperated from the peace that I am. I will be there! (Conversations with God)

Embracing the Fluffy?

It's 13 short days until the dreaded 34th birthday and I've been dreading every birthday it seems since I turned the dirty 30. It's all down hill from 30 kids, don't let anyone tell you differently. I'm feeling a sort of way tonight... 20% down with a 80% chance of sarcasm. You've been warned.

Alright so I'm pretty sure I'll never make it back to the gym at this rate, and the husband has been nagging me to cancel my membership. Or...I wonder, is his nagging what is keeping me from going in the first place? hmmm...makes me think. Hahaha I could easily let myself get ticked off at the fact "I was on a fitness mission" prior to getting that office job. Yes the office job where I sat on my ass all day answering phones and eating chezburgers becayse it was fast and easy. WTF! Now that my job has ended I'm left with an ass the size of texas and no energy! THANKS for the parting gift Fucktards!

I tried for two weeks here and there to get back into an exercise routine starting off great but eventually failing miserably. So I am at the point where I'm just going to chalk it up to "it's the THYROID conditions fault." I'm embracing my fluffy! Maybe I'll change my name to "CHUNKY CHICKEN" LOL Are there any Chubby Chicken Chasers in the house tonight? Holla! LOL

I'm trying not to be depressed. It's just 10 times as hard trying to lose the weight with an underactive thyroid. And Im the kind of person that needs to see some reward for my efforts. So when Im working my ass off and theres no change, I lose my will. I'm so tired all the time, and I'm at my heaviest. I'm sick of my clothes, and the way they fit. I've been hiding under mens t-shirts for a year now. UGH! I hate it. It crossed my mind today that I may have to suck it up and start shopping at a Lane Bryant if I want to get out of these damn tees. Harpoon me and get it over with.

I picked up a book on buddhism today- and it occured to me, maybe I enjoy this theory because they embrace death! LOL yeah I have to admit, I'm looking forward to it. But until then, I can't deny that aside from my health and weight issues life is perfect with my family. C'est La Vie!

Who are these people?

Something happened this past weekend that really opened my eyes and it made me start question, who exactly are the people we call our friends? What do we really know about them, about eachother? Sure we usually meet up for drinks here and there, have bbq's and house parties throughout the years, but we're not chatting about things that matter. Usually our get togethers are "to relax" much needed downtime from our stressful lives. How dare we talk about matters with any meaning, just the usual small talk. Thinking about this kind of made me sad, because Chris and I were ready to cut ourselves off from some friends over lack of communication, and other qualities friendships are typically made of but were not there. As it turned out, these two friends have been going through a really difficult time, and we had no idea. This is very upsetting to us, and it's left us wanting to take the time and really get to know our friends.

When we consider someone a friend, we welcome them as family. We love with all our hearts and so we are equally as hurt if we are wronged by these people without care. Basically what I'm saying is, for us, we take friendship very seriously :) It means something to us. We are not the kind of people who call everyone a friend or even best friend. Friends are far and few between and we care about the friends we have.

In my mind I had preconcieved notions that everyone in our little group talked often, got together often with eachother, and were pretty much close. I was suprised to find out otherwise. Most havent seen or talked to eachother since our last get together. I was also saddened when I found out some people felt it to be strange if one made plans with another friend in the group without extending an invite to the person who originally introduced them to the group. And here, I felt we were all good friends, enough to just get together with whomever- because we are after all ADULTS, not highschool kids. No one is plotting to steal anyone away. haha

So for now on, I'm really making an effort to get to know these people as the friends I consider them to be. One on one, with real conversation, new memories and laughs. Something that cannot always be achieved in a group setting. And to push this even further, I really want to know their families, and kiddies, and pets! Why don't we involve the children more? Some of us have them, or will be having them- I want our kids to know eachother! I want everyone, kids included to feel welcomed in our home. Growing up as a kid, my parents always took us with them to friends houses, and bbqs and such. I want that too :) Kids can add an awesome dynamic to the friendship I think. It's just another level we can bond on.

These have been my thoughts, and now my mission.
Blessed Be :)

Mother's Day Weekend

I just had one of the best weekends, that I've had in a really long time. And it was spend with my family exploring the awesome animals at Adventure Aquarium and the Philadelphia Zoo.

Jake is at the age now, where he's really able to enjoy learning and experiencing new things. I love watching the excitement in his expressions and speech as he tells me about what he's seeing or feeling. It melts my heart, and I'm all smiles. Kids really do bring me to life- my kids anyway. They are my greatest achievements to date. Dana was even smiling during our trips this weekend. Unusual for a teen who only wants to be with her friends...But I'm glad she was a part of everything, wanting to be. This has been the best Mothers day ever! Handmade greeting cards! Quality Family Time! and Lot's of warm memories made of this day. Thank you FAMILY! I know I am loved.

Jakes Card reads:

Dear Mommy,

I think of all the things you do,

And then I know why I love you.

You make my breakfast, You wash my clothes,

You take me places I want to go.

You teach me things, You read to me.

You help me become, what I want to be.

You sing me songs, You hold me tight.

You hold my hand, in the dark at night.

In all the world, I know it's true,

There is no mommy just like YOU!!!

~Love Jacob

What more could a Mom ask for? I have the best kids. My Dee is a sweetheart. She's always showering me with thoughtful gifts as well. She surprised me with some very trendy candle holders and wall sconces- which I can't wait to use :) Awesome! I guess now I have a reason to get started on redecorating my diningroom! Another trip tp the paint store is in order :)~ Oh Chris....honey?

My hubby and I were laughing about the unusual gifts he gives me for the holidays. Unusual indeed but much appreciated and wanted no less. For Mom's day he bought for me a bongo at the zoo. I'm collecting natural handmade musical instruments, and I really wanted a bongo :) Yay! I'm one very happy bongo momma!

My ex, Dana's father, even brought me Dunkin donuts coffee and donuts for mother's day! How thoughtful :) Thank You George. Here's hoping all of the Moms out there had a fabulous Mother's Day! I did.

Tempers Rising

Day in and day out, men and women, & young adolescents are making pulic displays of themselves with their explosive arguments beating on eachother, tearing each other apart mentally and physically. Out of control, tempers flare as I quietly watch from safe inside my home- ready to make the call 911 if needed. It's a tough call whether or not to get involved and break up the fighting. My husband and I certainly don't want to see anyone get hurt, but I've learned a long time ago- it's not wise to get in the middle of something of people you know nothing about. As a child I watched my Mom and Uncle come to the aid of a young woman being smacked around by her boyfriend on the street corner. My mom ended up with a black eye from trying to help. As it turned out, the girl didn't want help and called on her boyfriends friends to back up the dude beating on her. It makes no sense, but that is what my mind jumps back to- when I have to make the decison of getting involved or not. And today, you would probably catch more than a black eye.

I recognise a spark within myself wanting to spread the wise words of those who walked before us, Jesus, Buddha, Ghandi, & the Dalai Lama to name a few. But I don't have the voice to be heard. (literally, I literally lost my voice lol) I feel I should be doing something with my life, volunteering with the homeless, animal shelters, childrens hospitals....something. If I cannot speak the knowledge and wisdom, perhaps I can lead by example instead. You haven't felt happiness like that of which comes from helping others.

We don't get to pick and choose who deserves our help. God will bring them to you.

Gossip is Poison

Everything you do, everything you say, touches someone else, in some sort of way.

So please be careful and think before you speak. I have always tried to live by this the best I can. It's like Mom always said; if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. Sure, we have our opinions but they are sometimes best kept to ourselves. If our opinions are spoken in shared company, gossip can be born, and will grow 10x as ugly as it was meant to be. Gossiping is not a productive passtime.

I have spent years listening to women talk crap on co-workers, friends and even family. Most times I was able to listen and give no opinion, especially not adding to the gossip. Gossip mostly ended with me. But on occasion gossip was like a poison sometimes tripping me up, leaving me feel like crap. Nothing productive ever comes from gossiping. I'd rather not be a part of it. This was the main reason I left my profession as a hairdresser 10years ago. Talk about an oxymoron; so much ugliness in what was supposed to be a place of beauty. I'm reminded that even listening to the gossip will poison the mind. So it must be stopped/cut off/ nipped in the bud immediately. Make it known that you don't wish to be a part of it.

If your friendships consist of nothing more than this, then perhaps it's best to re-evalute your relationships. Can they be salvaged? What do you have in common with that person? This is something I'll be figuring out this week. I don't enjoy being dragged down to that level of entertainment. If someone had something negative on their minds about me, I'd hope they would come to me so that we can resolve it together, as true friends do.

This is not to be confused with friends warning you that someone has done you wrong. If they speak truth, it is not gossip. Friendship should not be hard-it should come easy. So stop the drama and honestly talk about what's bothering you so that it can be worked out. This is my view and way to live by.

Awakening the Buddha Within

I'm making a resolution to start and end my day with this prayer for a pure and forgiving heart. Borrowed from Lama Surya Das.

May my heart stay open and loving even when I'm feeling hurt and frayed.

May I learn always to include others in love's vast embrace.

May my heart remain pure and kind amid the painful details and muck of life.

May virtue and serenity belong to all, even my competitor and adversaries.

May my brokenheartedness open my heart even further to bring forth love and openhearted compassion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Be kind to the destitute,

Be patient and loving toward the wicked,

Be kind to the afflicted,

Be gentle with the fool,

Empathize with the weak and oppressed,

Be especially compassionate to those who cling to concrete reality.

(Patrul Rinpoche)

Day one.

Today was a day of meditation and reading. I haven't taken much time these past weeks for reflection, and it shows because I've been a little off my mark. But with the help of my Buddhist sidekick (haha) I should be more mindful and awake from this point on.

A quote from the book, Letting go of the person you used to be, by Lama Surya Das... It's not easy to stay positive and hopeful when everything is going wrong. There are times when everyone feels lost and discouraged. There are times when all of us feel as though we want to surrender, give in, and give up. When this happens in our lives, we need to realize that we need healing and rejuvenation. We need to do whatever we can to restore and reinvigorate ourselves.

When positive or joyous feelings and attitudes pass through each organ and circulate throughout our whole system, our physical and chemical energies are transformed and balanced. ~Tarthang Tulku.

Nyingmapa lama Tulku Thondup Rinpoche in his book "The Healing Power of the Mind" names the four healing powers of the mind: Positive images, positive words, positive feelings, and positive beliefs. These inner qualities and their cultivation and development through meditation and attitude training can greatly strengthen our innate capacity to heal our mental, emotional, and physical afflictions.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle~ Philo

Let the Cleansing Begin.

Alright so, I think my body mind and spirit is crying out for a little help. I'm feeling anxious-and a lil left of center. This week I'm going to behave, eat healthier, exercise, and focus on a total cleanse of self. Meditations & reading are also on my to do list. I must finish the last two books I started. And I want to plan some family days/nightly activities together :) I need more family interaction, to feed the soul. I just can't get enough of my kids laughter. Dana came home today looking and seemly very refreshed! She was beaming with personality, which I loved to witness. Jake says some of the funniest things (I love 5yr olds) We were watching a commercial together, (sexy dance fitness video promo) He says to me- Mom you need to get that! It's just $1! I'll do it with you! But that's not the half of it. I was getting him ready for a shower, when I saw him dancing naked on my bed- watching himself in the mirror. LMBO!!! he was copying the dance moves he say on the tv. What really had me giggling was his little 5yr old voice saying "yeah behbeh." BAHahahahah....

STINKO de MAYO 2010

Alright so it's come and now it's gone! Goodbye Stinko, smell ya later. This party had a lot of hype and were not even Mexicans lol. It seems we'll use any excuse to party with our friends.

Chris and I (being both unemployeed) have way too much time on our hands now- so what better way to use this time then to make props and games for when our friends come over. I suggested we make a carnival wheel for our parties. So my hubby Chris came up with the Wheel of Karma :) We spent about a week making the game- and it was worth it. Shit we need to maybe patent it!!! hey...... that could be our new day job, designing drinking games. Anyway we were really excited to introduce it to everyone. Not sure if were really cool for doing so, or just super dorks! hahaha It wouldn't matter- we liked doing it. Odd we didn't even get through all the truth and dare cards! There are some really funny dares we haven't tried yet. I am glad we video taped the fiesta though because after last night- Im not sure how many more of those big bashes we'll be having for now on. Hahaha Chris & I are both feeling too old to be acting like college idiots anymore. It was fun, but were paying for it the morning after. We didn't even get to all the games... The night went too fast!

I hope everyone had a great time. I'm taking away some fun memories! Jays TP Turban, Lisa's makeover, All the bucket heads, wet TP faces, Tiff's Hitler stash lol, Steve's pie in the eye, Chris making out with his cow tongue, and all the pledges being brave enough to be paddled! Good stuff! I wish I actually got to sit and talk with more people, I was busy being stuck in the moment filming all night. By the end of the night I had to sneak off to bed without goodbyes- I was already feeling like pooh. Sorry guys!!! A sure sign I cant hang like the old days. ahaha but a full busy day of cooking before hand catches up with this girl after while. Thank You RUBIE for all your help in the kitchen, before, during, and after :) You really made my workload alot easier! And thank you Tiffany for the yummo brownies & cookies! Lisa & Rick for the Corn Bread! (I feel another blog coming on "friendships")

Thanks for the laughs & for the memories everyone! My Clan Rocks!

xoxox your Zen Hen