Is that Light at the end of the Tunnel?

SERIOUSLY? It must be the end of the world!!! Chris and I were finally approved for a government loan/grant to help us pay and get current with our mortgage since WellsFargo totally dicked us over with the whole remodefication loan process scam the pulled. YAY! this is the best news we've recieved in a long ass time. No more harrassing phonecalls and threats of foreclosure :) I hope this is the beginning of a beautiful future ahead. Yes approved for the same government loan/grant thingy that Wells Fargo swore we wouldn't get approved for. Wells Fargo, YOU SUCK!

Next up- winning the Cash 5 lotto. We've narrowed down the amount of winnings we'd actually really need to be happy. Instead of $20,000,000, We'd like to settle for $500,000 Please & Thank You. hahaha

Possession: The Film

I watched the movie: Possession tonight (Gweneth Paltrow) It was a romance film- right up my ally. These two historians that work for the British museum were hunting for the missing pieces of a famous poet Ash's life and romantic affair had with Madam Lamotte back in 1859. Their affair was filled with all the good stuff, passion, fire, deciet, & scandal. I love the raw passion and uncontrollable desire the couple had resulting in a love child Ash was never told about. The fact Ash & Lamotte were both poets, lured me in even more so. I love the way people spoke back then. They spoke with eloquence, and such depth. They way the women dressed in corsetts and big heavy dresses grabs my interest as well. The victorian era and I have something in common. Past life maybe?

Needless to say, this movie sparked something in me that I haven't felt in a long time. Not quite sure what it is, but I'm thirsty for more. :)

The Rapture

Rapture Shmapture. What a load of crap! I can't believe people are taking this thing so seriously. Serious enough to actually make conversation and debate about it. Rediculous. I find it somewhat amusing, romanticizing the thought of having the END in sight. We should be so fortunate. I don't believe a word of the bible but if I did, the predtictions for the end of the world & the bible don't match up. ex.The end will come like a thief in the night. Um yeah we all know about it, some even anticipating it. I'm guilty. LOL I wont believe a damn thing unless the predictions of New Zealands massive earthquake starts to happen at 6pm tonight. What a friggen tease.

I do believe however my son Jake could be the Anti-Christ lol. But if you see a 6 year old destroying the planet killing billions of people you're smoking crack. Sorry fools but nothings gonna happen. But if by the 1% chance it does, were going out BBQ .

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Vegetarian Diet.UPDATE

K so, I dont know if not eating meat for a month has anything to do with my hair falling out or not. My once thick head of hair now feels so fine. I can feel the breeze on my scalp. EEK. What the hell. on the flip side of that, my finger nails have been shiney and healthy and strong. My skin is going through another breakout grrrr. Must be the time of the month. Son of a bitch- do I have this to look forward to every 4 weeks?

So I think adding meat back into our diets may not be so bad. It will definately be easier finding things to eat again. But it will be minimal and the healthiest selections possible. And ORGANIC! Im not giving up on vegetarian completely.

I would love to do a cleanse. 30 days of fruits, vegies and nuts only. Hmmmm....

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Exercise: Starts Monday

Chris promised to walk with me daily. Then if Im energized enough after, to get some exercise in. I'm looking forward to it. Fresh air, long walk=bonding time and doing a body some good. Wish me luck.
I hate it though, Chris already looks to be thinning out, and Im feeling like a fatted cow more so than ever. WTF!!!!

RIP

So my Dell dimension 8200 has passed on into cyber heaven finally after 10years. It just ceased. So I had a ball dismanteling it and setting it's guts aside for a recycled art project. I sort of feel like Spencer from iCarly lol. I wont miss the stress and wasted time that thing caused me. R.I.Pieces you piece of crap. And may our new working Dell bring us much happiness.

I went to Bestbuy out of desperation to purchase a new pc. Only to find out my store credit was cut way back- without notice. Son of a Bitch. Luckily I had just recieved a new business credit line (funny since I barely have any business coming in) so it was meant to be. I can't work with out a functioning pc so it was neccessary. It seems like everything is breaking this year. The AC unit, the pc, and I dont want to say it but 2 of our televisions are on it's way out I think. Shhhh... It's true we have the old big clunky tv's still, but if it's not broke I don't plan to upgrade. It will be nice to have the HD wall mounted flat screens someday though. I really want to put one back into my bedroom for those days I don't want to be bothered. Ahhh sanctuary.

I really feel the weighted stress on my chest having to make such a big purchase. God? when are we going to catch a huge financial break? You know, I'd be greatly satisfied winning the CASH 5 jackpot of $500,000. It doesn't have to be a million. Lol Just enough to buy my home, and pay off my debts. And make some home improvements-send the kids to college that sort of thing. Then my husband could afford to take a $15.00 an hour job and not worry. God? if you're listening, please reconsider?

What is this funky feeling I'm having? It doesnt seem to want a shake. I think I'm still carrying some bad mojo from a few weeks ago. When did I become so cynical and negative? I've always been sarcastic but only in fun. I don't like it. I find myself not even enjoying the little things anymore. I'm so outta touch with myself and surroundings- help? I'm lost! I lost my internal mapquest :(

I need a spiritual retreat to reconnect with my roots. Cause right now I'm in limbo, stumbling around in the dark. I did find a small piece of myself two nights ago while painting an art piece- but it was short lived. I love those quiet evenings when it's just me and my artists brush and the radio tuned into 104.5fm. Maybe I'll do some scrapbooking. That usually reminds me of all the blessings in my life. I just hope I can tap into the creativeness I've been lacking. Get me out of this RUT please?

Maybe I need to make time for reading. Reading usually gets me into a good zone. But the book has to really grab my attention. Chris goes to the library often and brings home good titles, but none seem to hold my attention. How many spiritualistic self help books can I read? It's like reading the same book over & over again. Obviously none are working right now for me. Somethings missing, and i can't quite put my finger on it. God lead the way please? send me the next sign on where to go, and what to do, even if it's just a book title to read. Something? I'll try to pay attention. Promise.

Dream Journal Entry

Last night I dreamed I was on vacation at the shore with my hubby and 4 girlfriends, and Jake. I was feeling lost, and alone. (Alot of tension from my last blog mixed in.) I left the motel and was unable to find my way back. But when I did make it back to room 20, which changed to 10 for some reason, the tension was magnified. My husband's attention was focused more on everyone else than myself. I stood looking out the window and witnessed one of the most beautiful sunsets, and to the left was also the full moon setting at the same exact time. It looked like one of those tropical screensavers for a pc. I called the girls over to see it, but they were too late. Only I had gotten to see it. I then wandered out to the deck where I sat looking at the black star-filled sky feeling very angry "feeling like the sun that once filled my days" had set forever. Not even the moon would shine anymore. Just then a young man came to me, excited to meet me. I must have been well known or something in this dream, because he continued to tell me he keeps my picture hidden behind all his artwork for good luck. For a nano second I felt special, something other than all the negative feelings holding me down lately. ((Just then Chris and Jake came to wake me up- like seriously?)) ....sigh

......

This environment is becoming hostile. I'm beginning to wonder why I even bother to speak, nobody fucking understands a word I say anyway. I mean am I speaking a foreign language or are you freakin stupid? I am so annoyed beyond control when Chris just stands there looking at me with that dumb fucking look on his face everytime I open my mouth. I mean come on really? I should just take the vow of silence. No one bothers to pay attention or listen anyway. It's been feeling really lonely here. It's been far too long since I've felt totally at ease around here. Now is not the time to test my stability....

This "not hearing me/understanding what the fuck I'm saying" drama has been building now for weeks, feels like months. My son Jake doesn't help matters any either. That kid just never listens. But on top of that, he occupies ALL of my husbands time and attention leaving absolutely NADA for anything or anyone else. So where does that leave things? unresolved. It doesn't stop there, the lonliness I feel comes from a "just ok marriage." I read an article in Glamour Magazine about this book title coming to print end of May that sounds all too familiar in my situation. Needless to say, I'll be reading it! hopefully finding some comfort by it- how pathetic. Sigh.... I'm not going to dig deep into my marital blisslessness here. I'm just really needing to rant right now. I'm enraged! at life! at myself! at my neighbors! I'm just NOT a happy girl right now.  Just this past week a friend said in passing that everyone is envious of my marriage, I'm thinking... yeah if you only knew...

It's just one extreme to the next around here. I live in a bi-polar household with bi-polar relationships. No wonder I'm feeling bi-polar. So tonight after everyone went to bed, I came to the basement to have a good hard cry. Drowning in my suicidal tendancies, pleading with the higher power to hurry up and end it-because Im still too chicken shit to do it myself I decided well, I could continue crying my eyes out and suffer a migraine later or have a big stiff drink instead. So the drink won. So I'll live to cry another day. Yay Me! This is where I'd normally have some huge revelation about life...... hmmm.... waiting.....waiting..... yeah no... it sucks ass.

My marriage has pretty much always endured one fucked up situation to another over the years. I'm not saying were not happy, we make a great team- but it's always been lonely. I married my best friend- it's literally like living with a friend, not a lover. And you know what? I'm so hurt and bitter right now because of it that if we were to ever have a moment, I'd push him away. Not out of spite, because I've been hurt for so long. It's always had me questioning myself- what's wrong with me? Is it me?  Not good for my self esteem at all!
My husband went from a porn addict- neglecting me to a friggen zen buddhist, who apparently took some vow of celebacy without informing me. FML!!! Go ahead dear, keep trying to SAVE the world on Facebook, meanwhile your home life is falling to fucking shit.

GET A CLUE!
Love & Light Dipshit.

Mom's Day

So my mother's day celebrating started last Friday when I spent they shopping with Mom :) We went to ihop for breakfast and chitchat then browsing the shops. She spoils me with spring clothing. Thanks Mom! I'm so lucky to have such a great Mom. She makes me feel like a kid again. Then on Sunday the plan was to go to Peddlers Village and spend a nice day browsing and having dinner. But.... we got lost and wasted too much time getting there :( We literally got to go in 3 shoppes before stores were closing up. By 5:30pm Jake was complaining that he was hungry but all the restraunts were packed! So we decided to hit an Italian/American restaurant down the road. We didn't know it was reservation only. So after walking out, the hostess came out saying they would fit us in anyway, and we accepted. The sign outfront said "3 course meal for $16." But, no where on the menu was that listed. In fact there was nothing on the menu less then $22. I don't even want to know what a cocktail would've cost. So, after the hostess made a snark remark about "planning ahead," we decided to leave. WTF? Is that how you treat your customers? You don't deserve our business. With our group of 6, she was easily out $200. So we decided to go to good ole Apple Bees instead. And it was there I started feeling really like shit. I can't pinpoint it, maybe it's my weight, maybe it's my financial status or both. Not to mention my irritability already present from "getting lost." I think I just needed to scream!

I felt great last week being able to get two good exercise workouts in. But it's been three days since and I feel like I've failed myself. Maybe there's hope it was not for nothing IF I can work out today. But I hear that my hubby just walked in from work, and is blasting the 700 club. Sometimes I wish I lived alone. I know that sounds shitty- but that's what I'm trying to tell you- that's the mood I've been in. Just leave me the frig alone!